


Everything Else Has Room to Grow

by sophiahelix



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fantasy on Ice, First Time, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Miscommunication, Porn with Feelings, reverse slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-05 06:17:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 34,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15857916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophiahelix/pseuds/sophiahelix
Summary: “Javi’s learned to take things on Yuzu’s terms, to wait for Yuzu to come to him, but he never expected Yuzu to come quite this close.”Fantasy on Ice 2015





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been working on this nightly since late April, and am happy to say it’s finally, finally complete. I’ll be posting chapters MWF for the next couple of weeks.
> 
> Thanks to shdwsilk and whishawbendragon for awesome beta duties, someitems for constant supportive cheerleading, and whishawbendragon for the chatfic scenario that started the whole thing. (And thanks to Mother_North for posting the Dostoyevsky quote I used as an epigraph!)
> 
> Reverse slow burn: http://sophia-helix.tumblr.com/post/177560525553/moderndayathena-aprillikesthings

 

 

_If everything on earth were rational, nothing would ever happen_ \- Dostoyevsky

 

This is new.

“Come watch a movie with me,” Javi pleaded out in the hall, teasing, pulling at Yuzu’s arm. Teasing because Yuzu never says yes to invitations like that, just smiles politely and disappears into his room early, if he comes out at all. He’s wildly famous here in Japan, more than Javi could ever comprehend, and it’s hard for him to even go to dinner at the hotel without being mobbed by fans and press.

They don’t do this, for a lot of reasons, most of them beginning and ending with Yuzu being wildly famous. Javi stopped asking a long time ago, even before Sochi. He’s always liked spending time together, and when they’re training or competing they’re close in a deep, comfortable way, but it doesn’t extend to the rest of their lives. It's not like they don't care about each other. They just aren't friends like that.

But Yuzu did go to dinner with the other skaters tonight, chatting and laughing in Japanese at another table while Javi drank too much hot sake with Luca and Maxim and Philippe, and somehow he said _okayyy_ like it was the world’s biggest favor when Javi asked him in, tipsy and half-joking, and all that’s new but not as new as hanging out together, alone.

It’s nice, though, having Yuzu stretched out on the bed next to him while the world spins and a Japanese game show plays on TV. Javi’s hardly even pretending to understand it, just laughing when the audience does. Yuzu picked the show, and that’s fine with Javi. It feels like he needs to be more careful with Yuzu, kinder, after Shanghai this spring; everything’s a little different now he’s beaten Yuzu for the first time in two years. Yuzu had a rough season, with all his injuries, and Javi’s happy to give something back.

Javi feels sleepy and dizzy, too, the day of travel from Makuhari and the glasses of sake catching up. Everything seems funny to him, the ridiculous show and even the sudden sharp cramp in his bicep when he stretches his arms over his head.

“Ow,” he says, laughing and wincing at once as he brings his arms back down.

“Are you OK?” Yuzu says, immediately.

Javi snorts, the idea of getting injured by stretching on a bed somehow hilarious to him right now. “I’m fine,” he says, and then reaches across his body to dig his thumb in where it hurts. “I just got a little cramp, it’s silly.”

“Let me help,” Yuzu says, and rolls promptly onto his side, raising up on one elbow with his head resting on his hand.

His other hand descends to wrap around Javi’s arm next to him, fingers working gently down and finding the ache. Javi lifts his head too fast, the world tilting with a jerk. He worries about that, as if he’ll somehow startle Yuzu out of this sudden closeness, like a wild creature who’s dared to come near.

But Yuzu’s smiling and relaxed, when Javi looks at him. This is _new_ , being together like this, alone and off the ice, but Javi’s tipsy enough it seems to make sense. New, but right, as if they’ve always done it.

“Thank you,” Javi says, pronouncing the words carefully, and lies down again with a sigh.

The room is dark and blurred around them. Yuzu’s face is pale in the blue-white light of the television, but half shadowed too, with his hair falling over his forehead. His hand moves on Javi’s arm, squeezing the muscle, and he frowns a little, watching what he’s doing. Javi can feel a wave of fond gratitude sweeping over him, the kind he often gets when he’s been drinking, and he reaches over to cup Yuzu’s face affectionately.

“Mm, feels good,” he sighs, and Yuzu nods and doesn’t stop.

Javi closes his eyes, smiling. Trading friendly massages has always been a part of his skating life, smoothing out kinks and rivalries, but it’s not really surprising that they haven’t done this before. It’s not the way they are. He lets his hand fall from the back of Yuzu’s head, sliding over his shoulder and down his back, following the deep curve of his body. Javi’s head is still spinning, but he thinks through the fog that it’s so nice that they're touching, that Yuzu is allowing it.

He's always felt drawn to Yuzu, wanting to be close like this, natural and easy. That’s not how things go, though; Yuzu runs hot and cold, friendly and affectionate one day and withdrawn the next, almost aloof. At competitions he never seems shy about touching and embracing, once the skating is through, but sometimes at the club he’ll duck Javi’s hugs or move quickly out of the locker room, changing somewhere else. Javi’s learned to take things on Yuzu’s terms, to wait for Yuzu to come to him, but he never expected Yuzu to come quite this close.

He smiles more, and drifts.

After a while, he realizes his hand is on Yuzu’s hip, fingers resting on the firm, rounded muscle behind. It feels good, surprisingly so, but he should probably move his hand off Yuzu’s ass, Javi thinks fuzzily, amused. Just as he’s about to, though, Yuzu stops massaging his arm, going tense all over.

“Sorry,” Javi mumbles, expecting Yuzu to pull away.

But Yuzu shifts closer instead, lying down on his side next to Javi and tucking his arm beneath his head. Relief uncurls through Javi, warm and happy, and he smiles, rolling over to face Yuzu. He keeps his eyes closed and his hand where it is, rubbing his thumb on the curve of Yuzu’s waist. It seems like this is allowed too, and he feels pleased about it, sleepy and content.

The television is still playing at the end of the bed, loud and unheeded, and Javi’s starting to drift off for real now, falling into an overwhelming wave of sleep. He should probably be embarrassed, inviting someone over just to pass out ten minutes later, but Yuzu doesn’t seem to mind. He’s lying close enough that Javi can feel his breath in soft even puffs, as though he’s dozing off too.

Javi’s almost asleep when he feels warmth on his face, like Yuzu’s moved nearer. His eyes flutter open, and Yuzu is right there, gaze dark and serious, like he’s watching, waiting.

There’s a moment of hush. Everything seems to recede — the noise of the television, the flat quilted duvet beneath him, the dizziness in his head — and there’s just this, the heat of their bodies close together and the calm, open way Yuzu is regarding him. Javi’s pulse pounds in his ears, breath held in his chest and his face going hot, and it feels like this might go on forever, the two of them caught up looking at each other.

He moves on impulse. His hand, cupping Yuzu’s face again, and his head lifting, turning, moving in. His eyes falling shut.

Javi knows how he gets when he’s been drinking too much. Sentimental and affectionate, embracing his friends and laughing. This is more than that. Maybe the drinking is why he grabbed onto Yuzu in the hall, pulling him towards the door without expecting he’d say yes, but it’s not why Javi kisses him.

This happens without a thought, in a thunderclap instant, because it has to.

Yuzu’s mouth is impossibly warm and plush, pressed against Javi’s. For a moment they’re both still, stunned and uncertain, and then Yuzu moves, catching Javi’s lip between his. Javi lets out a shaky breath, breath whistling in his nose, and kisses Yuzu for real.

They ease into it, working together, trading hesitant kisses back and forth. It’s so much, dizzy and deep, just these soft sweet first kisses. Javi forgets he’s kissing another guy, because kissing Yuzu is, like everything about him, something else entirely, wild and thrilling and new. The way Yuzu tastes and the way he feels, the low murmurs he makes and how he reaches out to lay his hand, gently, against Javi’s face.

And then he opens his mouth, letting Javi in, and Javi’s pulse roars in his ears again.

He pushes himself up, feeling the fog recede, hot sharp desire filling him up instead. Yuzu resists at first, pushing against Javi’s weight, and abruptly gives way, rolling over onto his back and pulling Javi with him. His body beneath Javi’s is firm and lean, flat muscles across his chest, and Javi pulls back, reeling at the newness of it, before ducking in to kiss him again, licking into his mouth. Yuzu lifts his head to meet Javi, one hand on Javi’s neck and the other sliding down his back, finding his waist.

They kiss like that, hard and hungry, and Javi can’t think straight. He’s never expected or imagined this, but he can feel the fierce want in Yuzu’s touch and it’s burning through him too. No more soft, sweet kissing, cradling Yuzu’s face; he’s shifting over now and Yuzu is pulling him in, until he straddles one of Yuzu’s solid thighs and grinds down against him. Javi’s in jeans and Yuzu in thin track pants, and there’s just enough friction to make Javi gasp, before crashing down into another sloppy, desperate kiss.

He fumbles between them, adjusting himself in his jeans, and then there are no more thoughts, no more concerns, just this hot pounding rhythm. Kissing Yuzu and moving against him, Yuzu’s hands on him and the rocketing pleasure, so sweet it makes his mouth water. He can feel Yuzu hard along his thigh, and that’s _new_ , but Javi doesn’t stop moving and neither does Yuzu, doing this mad thing together.

Javi loses all sense of where he is, rocking and panting, chasing the feeling, and when Yuzu clutches his shoulder and gasps into his mouth it takes Javi by surprise, like he’d forgotten that would happen. Javi falters for a moment, and then grinds down harder, feeling the blossoming heat against him. Yuzu’s moaning now, tipping his head back, and Javi leans in and closes his mouth over the narrow column of Yuzu’s throat.

“ _Ah_ ,” Yuzu cries out, sharply, and Javi, wild, uses his teeth.

Yuzu’s nails dig into him, his shoulder and the small of his back, under his shirt. Javi lets out a harsh groan and snaps his hips, seeking pleasure and finding it, finding it. It’s rough, jangling through him as he pulses hot and wet into that tight space, and then he pants hard, his open mouth slack against the softness beneath Yuzu’s jaw.

It feels like all the strength goes out of him after, and the dizziness comes rushing back as if he’s stumbling, falling. Javi buries his face against the bed, above Yuzu’s shoulder, fighting the tide. He knows he should move, with how he’s lying heavily across Yuzu, but Yuzu’s arms are still tight around him and Javi can hardly get his breath, chest raw and heaving, seared.

Yuzu shifts beneath him, though, and Javi finds his strength in a moment. He gets his knees under him and rolls back over onto his side, wincing as the cool air hits the wet patch at the front of his jeans. It’s been years since the last time he came like this, with some teenage girlfriend, and it feels sticky and shameful, like he lost control of himself.

Javi shuts his eyes, but he feels Yuzu move to face him, and here they are again, where this strange and startling thing began. Javi’s face goes hot again, but now it’s with distress, instead of the blinding arousal that took him by surprise a few minutes ago. Everything happened without a thought, and now Javi’s breathing fast, a hundred things coming to mind at once.

“I’m sorry,” Yuzu says, his voice quiet but clear.

Javi’s eyes fly open. “What?”

“You drinking tonight.” Yuzu gestures at him, looking chagrined. “I should ask, first.”

“I kissed _you_ ,” Javi says, heavily. The words don’t sound real to him. “Why should you be sorry?”

Yuzu just keeps looking at him, steady. Finally he licks his lips, pink and plush from what they did, and says, “I’m never doing before. Kisses, yeah. But never…” He trails off, and his expression gets more set, proud and determined, chin lifting. “I’m sorry, if not what you wanting.”

And Javi doesn’t even know what he wants, but he knows when Yuzu’s putting on a brave face. He reaches out and cradles it again, the way he did earlier tonight and the way he did three months ago in Shanghai, Yuzu with tears on his face and stunned elation pulsing through Javi’s chest. He closes his eyes and sighs, leaning in until their foreheads rest together. Yuzu’s hair falls against him, soft and light, and he sighs too, his hands curled up against Javi’s chest.

“Don’t be sorry,” Javi says, quietly. He wants to say more, but he’s so tired, and this is all so much, so new. He sighs again, the waves of exhaustion closing in. “Don’t be sorry,” he whispers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the encouragement on the first chapter! I’m excited to share the rest of this story.

Yuzu doesn’t feel any different, even though everything in his world has changed.

He’s always kept away from this. Release is a rare, controlled thing for him, as much a part of his schedule as anything else physical. He doesn’t do it when competitions are close, or when training isn’t going well, or when any part of his body doesn’t feel right. When he finally does, it’s usually furtive and quick, leaning his head against the shower wall while hot water scalds his body clean, his mind as blank as he can make it.

Training isn’t the only reason he’s kept away. There’s the question of what he wants, and who. 

Three years ago, nothing was the way he expected when he came to Toronto; without the sharp edge of a heated rivalry, it was all too easy to slip into a different kind of warmth in his relationship with Javi, and there were times when he seriously doubted his dedication to his training, if something like this could tempt him to upend it entirely.

He never looked, until the day he did, idly stretching after a hard practice and turning to see Javi walking across the room to the showers, comfortably and completely naked.   
Yuzu looked away, but it didn’t matter, because he’d already taken in the thick muscles of Javi’s thighs and arms and the arched line of his back, the faint sprinkling of hair across his chest, just beginning, and the thicker hair below. Javi in total, in sum, _in flagrante_ , smiling faintly to himself as he went to the shower.

It started in earnest then, and it never really stopped. The ache, the awareness. Yuzu was seventeen and he’d wanted so much in his life and this was just one more thing, even if he knew he could never have it. That night in bed he thought of Javi and stared at the ceiling, hands folded beneath his head, shuddering as he took it on. He’d want without having. It would be good for him.

The desire eased, and the heat. Things became unbalanced, with all his victories last season, and then balanced themselves again, with his injuries and the loss at Worlds. Yuzu got a little older, and widened his view of the world. There was so much in it, and so many things to want.

But a part of him is still the teenager who hardly spoke English, smiling at Javi across a press conference table in Moscow the first day they really met, feeling like something inside had been set suddenly, fatally aflame.

Yuzu hasn't slept with anyone before, because of his training and because he doesn’t want anyone else, except in fleeting moments he knows he’d regret later. His career is too important for that, and so is this relationship that’s so casual in some ways and so vital in others. It’s always been easy to suppress physical desire, like any ache, and if it’s less easy to push back the longing, it’s something he can use. Everything in his life is material for his work, in a way.

Javi smiles too much, that’s the problem. Or his eyelashes are too long, or his hands are too warm, or Yuzu is just a fool where Javi is concerned and always has been, because tonight of all nights he gave in to his feelings. 

He’s tried to keep them under control, for years now. It’s all right to let loose at competitions, giving in to his high spirits and the emotions of the moment. They’re in public then, and he knows himself; he’d never do anything really shameful with other people there to see. It’s different when they’re training, when those dangerous moments arise, alone on the rink or back in the changing room. He can’t let them linger, always afraid of what he might do or show, what he might let slip.

Yuzu goes after everything he wants in life, except for this. But tonight it was right in front of him for the taking, and this is his first show tour on his own, without his mother always there in the background, and he just wanted to know what it was like. Wanted to see how far he could go, what he could make happen just by wanting it hard enough. 

Javi kissed him, when Yuzu moved closer. He can’t stop thinking about that; how Javi touched his body and then his face, and the way Javi lifted up and brought their lips together in one determined motion. So much more happened after, but that’s the moment he’s caught in, when Javi wanted him back. 

And now it’s four in the morning and he’s still lying in Javi’s arms, in Javi’s hotel room, the marks of what they did on their bodies and the memories playing over in his mind.

Yuzu raises his hand, running his fingertips lightly over Javi’s cheek. There’s the roughness of stubble, and the heat of his skin, real. Javi’s arm is still resting over Yuzu’s waist, and they're close enough he can feel the slow even motion of Javi’s breath on his face. 

This is rare for Yuzu, not knowing what to do next. He keeps stroking Javi’s cheek, and just as he moves his hand away Javi blinks his eyes open. They look at each other in the dark, and it feels like Yuzu’s heart is in his throat, strangling his breath. 

“Hi,” Javi says, at last.

His voice is soft and husky, intimate. Yuzu’s never heard him like this before. He watches Javi blink a few times more, maybe remembering things. Javi doesn’t take his arm off Yuzu’s waist.

“I should go,” Yuzu says.

Javi swallows. “OK.”

He still doesn’t move away, and Yuzu can’t help reaching out again, laying his hand on Javi’s cheek this time. He’s here, in this hazy, dreamlike moment, and it feels like he can have anything he asks for, make anything happen. Javi closes his eyes, and Yuzu does too, expectant.

Javi slides his hand up Yuzu’s back when he kisses him, wrapping around the back of Yuzu’s neck. It feels like Javi’s holding him steady, secure in the warmth of his kiss, and Yuzu surrenders to it for a moment before he does the same, reaching down to hold the back of Javi’s neck tight. Javi’s lips against his are slick, skilled, and the noises they’re making in the dark send shivers through him. Yuzu slips his tongue into Javi’s mouth, and Javi licks back against him, opening wider, pulling him closer. 

Yuzu goes. He lifts himself up, leaning in, moving over. Javi makes a sound against Yuzu’s mouth, fingers pressing into his neck, and then lets himself be pushed onto his back, with Yuzu resting against his chest. They’re kissing more passionately now, and desire is a heavy throb as Javi caresses Yuzu’s head and shoulders, shifting beneath him.

This is getting out of control, Yuzu thinks, and pulls back to catch his breath.

Javi’s hands go to Yuzu’s cheeks, cradling again, as he looks up. His mouth is open and wet, and he’s frowning hard but his eyes are soft, lost yet tender. He strokes Yuzu’s face with his thumbs.

“Yuzu?” he asks, but it sounds like he’s the one who needs reassurance. 

An impulse flows through Yuzu, as sudden and sure as the ones that made him follow Javi into this room, touching his arm and then moving closer on the bed, asking for this. It’s as wild as an unplanned jump at the end of a program, or moving across the ocean on the strength of ambition and the promise of a smile. He’s made all this happen, but it’s Javi who’s stepped forward, making contact, taking control. Yuzu wants to do that, too.

He moves down Javi’s body, kissing as he goes. Over Javi’s soft white t-shirt first, and then pushing that up, pressing his lips against Javi’s ribs and the taut skin of his stomach. Javi lets out a soft moan of surprise, arching his back, but his hands rest on Yuzu’s head, fingers closing in his hair.

Yuzu shoves the blankets back, moving over between Javi’s legs. His fingers slip under the waistband of Javi’s jeans, and now it’s Javi’s hips that arch, his moan less soft. Yuzu slides his hands along, feeling rough denim on one side of his fingers and Javi’s heat on the other, and then pulls out to work at the button of Javi’s fly. 

“Yuzu,” Javi groans, almost a gasp. 

Yuzu keeps going, undoing Javi’s jeans, still stiff with his release from before. Javi’s briefs are a mess too, and Yuzu knows his own must be the same. He’s not thinking about himself now, though, just laying his hand over Javi’s growing length, through the sticky cotton of his underwear, which stretches more as Javi breathes harder and pulls Yuzu’s hair. 

Yuzu’s never touched anyone like this, and he hesitates, his heart lurching. His fingers curl around Javi for a brief moment, and he brushes his thumb over the fabric, stroking lightly as he gathers his courage.

“Have you?” Javi breathes, and then, “You haven’t.”

It’s not a question that needs an answer. Yuzu’s never backed down from challenges he thinks he can win. He reaches through the slit in Javi’s briefs, pulling him out.

“Tell me yes, if you like this,” Yuzu says, leaning down and opening his mouth.

It’s like when Javi first kissed him, the sensations so strange and unexpected as to be almost absurd. He has the thick heat of Javi’s cock in his mouth, tasting strongly of salt and musk, and Javi’s tense thighs bracketing his chest, Javi’s covetous hands in his hair. It’s four in the morning, and Yuzu moves in the dark, taking Javi deeper, _going down_.

“Oh fuck, _Yuzu_ ,” Javi gasps out, and Yuzu hears _yes_.

Of course he’s never done this, and of course it’s not difficult to figure out, focusing on the task instead of what it means. Yuzu lets his mouth go soft and loose, sliding up and down, then bobs his head faster and hollows out his cheeks, sucking hard. Javi moans at everything he does, legs shifting and fingers tightening until he remembers himself, letting go to stroke Yuzu’s hair before pulling it again. Javi’s breathing so loud and fast that Yuzu thinks he must be going light headed, floating away, and he wraps his hands around Javi’s hips and digs his nails in, anchoring him. _Pay attention to me_.

“Oh yeah, that’s good, just like that,” Javi groans, and cups Yuzu’s face again, guiding him up and down. Yuzu shakes his head free, teeth grazing the head of Javi’s cock as he goes. This is his show.

He does what Javi wanted, though, moving slick and steady, sucking tight. He’s watched things, read things, thought about this a lot. Not _this_ , with Javi, but the idea of it; his mouth full and his whole body engaged, doing his best to make someone else moan. He reaches down and fondles Javi through his underwear, scratching over the stretched cotton, and Javi cries out and jerks up, legs falling wider apart. 

Yuzu keeps touching Javi like that, and when he presses a finger deeper to rub against the base of Javi’s cock, Javi draws up his knees, gasping. He pushes at the top of Yuzu’s head, trying to turn him away as he groans, “Yuzu, I’m gonna, I’m gonna,” but Yuzu doesn’t go. Javi gives out a high whine, pulling Yuzu’s hair roughly instead and tensing up everywhere, and then he spills in Yuzu’s mouth.

It’s startling and obscene, visceral and perfect. Another challenge, and Yuzu swallows what he can, recoiling at the taste but reveling in the feeling. He _did_ this, he made it happen. 

Javi’s body goes soft beneath him, relaxed even as he’s panting fast. One hand lies on the back of Yuzu’s sweaty neck, fingers sweet and thumb stroking, and Yuzu turns his head and rests his cheek against Javi’s bare stomach. He can feel the warmth of Javi’s body this way, the pulsing connection between them. Yuzu’s hard in his track pants, but he’s not thinking about his own body, just the pleasure of lying close with someone else like this, in the dark.

With Javi.

Something like a tremor starts, deep in Yuzu’s chest. It feels like he’s gone through so much in the last few years, hopeless admiration and determined rivalry, friendly camaraderie and quiet moments like this, with all the possibility between them limitless and frightening, a want he could chase into the depths and never fully sate. It's like a thunderstorm that upends everything, for it to be real at last.

He turns his head, kissing Javi’s hip, lingering, and then looks up. Javi’s still breathing hard through his open mouth, and he’s got his other hand thrown across his face, exposing the paler underside of his sculpted arm. As Yuzu watches, Javi opens his eyes, glinting in the dark as he blinks.

“Did you…” Javi asks, and then licks his lips. “Do you want me to — ?”

Yuzu shakes his head, smiling. It seems better for this to have been a gift, to begin with generosity. Javi’s always been so kind to him. “I’m OK. I should go, still.”

Javi nods. “OK.”

“I see you for rehearsal? This morning?”

Javi groans. “I might be late.”

“You always late,” Yuzu says, fondly.

“Yeah,” Javi says, after a pause. “I know.”

Yuzu smiles again, and presses one more kiss to his hip.

This isn’t anything Yuzu’s ever done before, either a midnight hookup or sneaking away before morning, but he’d rather do it with some dignity. He gets up, still smiling, and slips into the bathroom. He peers at himself in the dim mirror as he smooths down his hair with water, waiting for his erection to subside. He doesn’t look any different, he thinks. 

When he’s composed himself, he goes out again to find Javi turned on his side now, facing him. There’s a pause. Yuzu’s standing in the hall just outside the bathroom, closer to the door than the bed. Javi’s on the far side, and he’s hard to see in the darkness but he’s looking back, his body still except for the rise and fall of his chest.

“Good night,” Yuzu says, finally. “Get more sleep.”

It’s dark, but he can see Javi smile, briefly. “You too.”

*****

Javi’s late for rehearsal, and when he arrives he stays at the other end of the rink. Yuzu’s busy perfecting the opening choreography and helping Nobu tease little Shoma, who’s joining the senior circuit this fall. He’s used to Javi hanging out with other European skaters anyway. They see each other often enough during the season. 

Throughout the rehearsal, though, he keeps glancing over to find Javi staring at him, looking away when he’s caught. It amuses Yuzu, thinking of Javi still thinking about him, and he skates a little faster, his heart light. He’s always liked winning Javi’s attention.

At the end of practice, most of the skaters play tag, with a lone pairs couple practicing a spin in the corner. Javi zips by, just before Yuzu gets tagged by Nobu crashing into him, arms spread wide. Yuzu turns and strokes hard after Javi, who looks over his shoulder and laughs, skating faster. They streak past other skaters, all slower than them, and Yuzu could easily catch Akiko but instead he speeds around the curve, his gaze fixed on Javi’s back. 

They make a lap around the rink, and then another, and Yuzu can hear people laughing, clapping in encouragement. Javi keeps looking back, laughing less now and looking more determined. They’re stroking in rhythm, like speed skaters on a track, left leg right leg, moving the whole body like Brian drilled into them, and Yuzu can’t gain any ground like this.

He skids to a stop and cuts across the rink near one end, changing directions with a spray of snow like a skier or hockey player. He fairly runs across the ice with giant steps, and he’s just in time to leap into Javi’s path, tackling him from the front with both hands on his shoulders.

The look of startled surprise on Javi’s face makes Yuzu break into wild laughter, and he clings to Javi’s shoulders as they spin around and around, Javi grasping his waist to keep them both upright. They slow down eventually but they don’t let go, keeping their hands on each other.

“You’re it,” Yuzu laughs, breathless.

Javi shakes his head, grinning. “You’re crazy.”

There’s a glow in his eyes, a conspiring, affectionate look that Yuzu’s always loved, and they stare for a moment, panting, smiling, before Javi seems to remember himself. He lets go of Yuzu’s waist then, gliding backwards, looking around. “I’m gonna tag somebody else,” he says, and skates off.

Yuzu only watches him for a moment before he turns away.

They don’t see each other again until they’re in the changing room, getting dressed after their showers, and then it happens once more, Javi glancing down quickly when Yuzu catches his eye. Yuzu smiles and crosses the room, pulling on his t-shirt. 

“Hey,” he says, putting warmth in his voice. He’s always been warm with Javi, but now it makes him feel like he’s about to float away, that there’s something special between them. He likes that everyone can see it, even if they don’t know the whole story.

“Hey,” Javi says, and then looks away. This time his gaze circles the room before settling on his feet, where he was bent over to tie his shoes.

For a moment, Yuzu goes perfectly still.

He’s kissed three people before this. The first and third times were brief, the impulse of a moment. The second boy, maybe it could have turned into more than furtive making out after practice, but that summer camp in Russia was short and there was never enough time alone. He hasn't worried about it; skating is his life and whatever else he can fit in is extra, something he’s fortunate to have. Anything beyond that is a distraction. 

Yuzu isn’t experienced, but he knows enough that the sight of Javi staring down at his sneakers sends a cold thrill through him.

“Javi?” he asks, softly.

Javi takes a breath, his shoulders lifting and falling. Then he looks up, and there it is; everything from last night, everything that’s ever been between them. Every time Javi’s looked at him and smiled, sending _maybe maybe_ echoing in Yuzu’s mind, a glimmer of hope he’s always firmly extinguished. Javi’s eyes are piercing, vulnerable, and he twists up his mouth, glancing around them once again before meeting Yuzu’s gaze.

Javi clears his throat. “I forgot my watch in the shower, I think. Can you help me to find it?”

The tile of the shower wall is damp when Javi presses Yuzu back against it, still kissing him, and the rings of the shower curtain rattle along the rail as Javi drags it shut behind them. Yuzu’s fingers bite into Javi’s jaw as he pulls him down, pressing their open mouths together. One of Javi’s arms is tight around Yuzu’s waist, and his other hand is braced on the wall, giving him leverage as he kisses Yuzu hard.

It’s so different, kissing in the daytime instead of the soft dreamy darkness of Javi’s room last night. He’s so aware of Javi’s mouth on his, wet and demanding; the roughness of his stubble and the strength and fresh deep scent of his body. Javi shoves his thick, solid thigh between Yuzu’s legs, lifting high, and Yuzu groans, riding it, grinding down. He feels trapped and held, in an alarming, amazing way. Javi’s breathing so hard, and they’re moving together so smooth and well, a perfect rhythm that he hates to break.

Yuzu does, though, pulling back from the kiss, panting as he gets his breath. He turns his head and Javi kisses his neck, biting it, slick and sharp. Yuzu gasps, shivering, and then puts a restraining hand on Javi’s cheek.

“Not here,” he says, hearing how rough his voice sounds. “Not make mess. People will see.”

Javi exhales against his neck, nodding. His arm goes tighter around Yuzu’s waist, and then he steps back. He puts his hand on Yuzu’s cheek, palm cool and damp from being pressed against the tiles, and licks his lips, studying Yuzu. There’s a strange look in his big, soft eyes, fierce but unsure, as though he's thinking difficult thoughts. 

“Do you want to come to my room tonight?” Javi asks, quietly, finally.

Yuzu sees it again; Javi pulling away on the ice, Javi staring at his shoes out in the changing room as the other skaters milled around them. Yuzu doesn’t want people to see _this_ , private and intimate, new and raw, but he understands, suddenly, that Javi doesn’t want people to see _them_.

There's a part of him that wants to say no. Demand more from Javi, or less. Put things back the way they were, as if he didn’t know how Javi tasted, or the way his kiss felt, his hands on Yuzu’s body and his lips on Yuzu’s neck. 

But it’s too late for this to be just a dream again, a hopeless, unlikely fantasy kept safe at the back of his mind. Yuzu _knows_ , now. And Javi is still touching his face, looking at him with that hot, longing, uncertain gaze, and there’s no part of Yuzu that doesn’t want him back.

_Just for the rest of the tour_ , he tells himself, and then a smaller, quieter voice whispers, _and maybe you can make it real_.

“Yes,” Yuzu says, out loud. “Tonight.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Added a few tags to the story I forgot to when I first posted)

Javi spends the next few days feeling like he's gone stupid with lust. In truth, the days are just a hazy blur, the buzz of the fucking amazing sex he’s having every night undercut only by the tiny flickers of guilt he feels when they’re through. He still hasn't told Yuzu that this is new to him too, with another guy, and every night they spend together makes his silence feel worse.

It’s Yuzu forging ahead, though, despite his own inexperience. Like that very first night when he shocked Javi by moving down the bed, undoing Javi’s jeans before leaning in. Yuzu was good then, but he’s only gotten better, and Javi wakes up almost every morning with the burning memory of Yuzu's lips around him, dark hair falling in his eyes as he looks up, head moving smoothly and his soft hands spread over Javi’s hips. Yuzu’s amazing at whatever he puts his mind to, and Javi feels like his latest endeavor, like Yuzu thinks there’s a prize to be won here.

Javi hasn’t returned the favor yet. The weight of expectation is getting heavier, whether it’s Yuzu’s or his own, but then he’d have to _think_ about this, and Javi can’t. He can’t.

It’s still a shock, feeling the lean hardness of Yuzu’s body against him, finding what’s different and the same. He’s had his hand down the front of Yuzu’s pants, wrapped around his length, and jerked him off as Yuzu did the same to him, kissing each other desperately and moving too fast for thought. He’s had his hands down the back of Yuzu’s pants, too, curving over his firm full ass and pulling him close as they rocked their bodies together, kissing, always kissing.

Javi can’t keep away from Yuzu’s mouth, and it’s like the anxious hum of his brain quiets down when they’re together, getting lost in the warm roaring tide of it. The rhythm of breath, lips, tongue; the way Yuzu takes what he wants and gives in at the same time, letting Javi push him against the wall or the bed, cradling his face. They’ve hardly been doing this a week, and Javi already wants to keep kissing him forever.

But that’s only at night. During the day, they have to skate and travel and put on a normal front, practicing and performing. Javi signs mountains of things, does a few interviews, smiles and waves a lot. He’s the world champion. Yuzu’s on another plane of existence, though, as the star of the tour and the sports darling of Japan, always in demand. Javi wonders what that’s like, to belong to so many people. 

At night Yuzu is his again, though, and Javi can’t think about that long enough to know how he feels.

It’s not the first time he’s slept with someone he shouldn’t have. Someone else’s girlfriend when he was a teenager, and other, later, bigger mistakes. It’s so easy to move between people who desire him, wanted and welcomed. Usually no one really gets hurt. It doesn’t seem like anyone could get hurt here either, except for the vast deep unnameable chasm around them, dark and dangerous, that Javi feels at his back every time they touch. It makes him kiss Yuzu harder, more fiercely, like he can hold it off if only he keeps moving, stops thinking.

He should end this, he should. But he can’t.

Tonight they didn’t even make it down for dinner before Yuzu was at his door, although it’s the night before the first Shizuoka show. Now they’re rolling over and over on the bed, Javi on top and then Yuzu, kissing each other into the mattress. Yuzu beneath him is good, holding Javi tight in the cradle of his body, but Yuzu above him is good too, legs spread to straddle Javi’s hips, rocking down against him. Javi pushes his fingers into Yuzu’s hair and tugs him closer, devouring his mouth, and Yuzu just moans and nods, kissing him back harder.

Yuzu grinds down more, and Javi moves his hands to grip Yuzu’s spread thighs, clutching the material of his pants as he pulls him in, stroking up over his ass. When Yuzu rubs right against him, Javi groans and bites Yuzu’s lower lip, harder than he means to. Yuzu grunts, jerking back, but kisses him again.

“There,” Javi breathes between gentler kisses. This is so _good_ , and he’s drowning in heat, racing tingles over his whole body, as Yuzu shifts and works his knees between Javi’s thighs. Javi knows what’s coming next — Yuzu sliding down the bed, fingers in his waistband, hot slick mouth on him — and his chest goes tight in anticipation.

Yuzu doesn’t move any lower, though, just keeps kissing Javi, rocking down. It’s a different angle, with Yuzu between his legs instead, and it feels different, too. Yuzu pushes himself up on his hands more, and Javi looks up, panting.

“Good?” Yuzu asks, softly.

Javi’s hands are still curved around Yuzu’s ass, and he can feel the thick muscles working as Yuzu moves. A new kind of tingle goes through Javi, a colder shudder, and he breathes harder, his fingers digging in. Yuzu’s full mouth is open, his expression hazy, but he smiles a little, something knowing in his eyes.

Before he can even think, Javi moves, flipping them over on the bed. He hears Yuzu gasp as they roll, and then Javi has his mouth again, soft and open beneath his, kissing back. He’s straddling Yuzu now instead, and he reaches down, tugging at the waistband of his own track pants and the opening of his briefs. He pulls at Yuzu’s clothes too, and Yuzu helps, working them over his hips.

They haven’t done this yet, touching hot and bare. Javi rocks forward, sliding up along the groove of Yuzu’s hip, feeling the roughness of his hair and then his smooth flat stomach. Yuzu tilts up, rubbing against him, and Javi lets out a quiet groan as he stretches his fingers to wrap around them both. He pauses a moment, feeling the weight in his hand, and then begins to stroke them together.

“Oh,” Yuzu moans, arching into Javi’s grip. He slides his hand onto the back of Javi’s head and grips the short hair there, turning his own head to the side. 

“You like this?” Javi whispers, as he leans down to kiss the side of Yuzu’s neck, using his teeth. He bucks his hips into his hand, leaning his weight heavily on his other arm, and bites Yuzu’s earlobe.

Yuzu nods against him. Javi breathes into his ear, working out the rhythm as he thrusts and strokes, his own cock resting against in the vee of his thumb with his fingers just barely reaching around Yuzu too. It’s all so new, and Javi shuts his eyes tight, trying to lose himself in the cascade of sensation, overwhelming himself with it. Yuzu’s cock feels smooth and warm over rigid hardness, just like his, and there’s the deep pleasure of being pressed together, sensitive and close, making his pulse race.

Javi straightens up more, giving himself space to move. He rubs his thumb over the head of his cock, and when he does the same to Yuzu, fingers stroking up over the ridge, Yuzu lets out a soft cry, clutching at the back of Javi’s neck. Javi can feel Yuzu’s foreskin sliding back and forth in his grip, the wetness leaking down, and this is so new, so fucking _much_.

He keeps going, caught by the sweet damp softness of Yuzu’s skin and the unexpected intimacy of touching him this way, wanting him like this. Yuzu’s tense beneath him, breathing hard, still and straining until Javi slows down entirely, just holding them in his hand. He stares down for a moment, looking at the line of Yuzu’s throat with his face still turned away, eyes shut tight and full lips parted as he breathes.

“Javi,” Yuzu says, then, gasping, snapping his hips. “ _Please_ , come on, finish.”

Yuzu’s never sounded like this before, a desperate edge in his voice, and it makes Javi’s face flame up, hearing him beg for more, _demanding_ it. Javi goes fast and tight then, stroking them together, shutting out everything else. He can’t think. He rubs his fingers over the head of Yuzu’s cock again, squeezing it against his own, and Yuzu groans and bucks up as he comes, hot and spilling down over Javi’s hand. He shudders all over, still clasping the back of Javi’s neck, and the sounds he makes are incredible, raw and hoarse and needy.

Finally Javi pulls back, just stroking himself now, with the slick sounds of the come still on his hand. He comes fast, clenching his jaw against the intensity of it, moaning as he shoots over Yuzu’s bare stomach. Javi clenches his eyes shut as he finishes, but not before he sees Yuzu watching him, open mouth and wide eyes.

There’s nowhere to go but down, after. Javi collapses roughly on Yuzu, face pressed against the curve of his neck, gasping. He can feel the wet heat between them, and the way Yuzu’s heart is pounding in his chest, like the blood that thuds in Javi’s own veins.

“Fuck,” Javi breathes; breathless, hopeless. “ _Fuck_.”

He doesn’t know what Yuzu’s feeling, as his hands stroke up and down Javi’s back, smoothing his hair. He can’t think about that, but he knows he’s going to have to soon.

Yuzu doesn’t tell him to move, or anything else Javi expects to hear from him, teasing and brief. He just breathes softly against Javi’s temple, hands moving over his back, as the room gets darker. 

It’s Javi who says something at last, rolling over and resting his head on his elbow. He makes his face wry, his voice light as he can, when he says, “They’ll be wondering if we got lost going to dinner, huh?”

The joke is weak, not really meant to be funny, but one corner of Yuzu’s mouth quirks up in a half smile. His hair’s a mess and his face is pale and tired, like this has been taking something out of him. He hasn’t stayed the night, after the first time, but Javi wonders if he’s getting enough sleep.

“I don't want, but you should go,” Yuzu says. “Or maybe — ?”

He raises a hand, touching the side of Javi’s face with his fingertips. There’s a question in his eyes, and the circles under them seem darker than ever before. A protective throb goes through Javi, but it’s full of mingled guilt, too, and he flinches away from Yuzu’s gaze. 

“I can order room service, if you want,” Javi says, to the duvet beneath him. This is something else they haven’t done before, and he feels himself getting in even deeper. An evening together; dinner; maybe doing this again, familiar. Wearing in the groove, making it a habit. 

Javi looks up, smiling with determined humor, trying to turn the mood light. “Or maybe you should order it. I don’t know if I can read the menu.”

Javi’s terrible Japanese is an old joke with them, but this time it takes a moment before Yuzu smiles in return.

“OK,” Yuzu says, and then yawns. “I order. In a minute.”

He doesn’t move his hand from Javi’s face, but he shuts his eyes, and Javi watches him for a long time, long enough for the silence between them to feel like it’s saying something.

*****

They still have to do the show. Javi’s amazed every day at how easily Yuzu puts on that public persona once there’s anyone around, whether it’s the adoring crowds or just the Zamboni guy. He’s radiant then, loving any attention, goofing off or skating beautifully, living for the spotlight. Javi’s a performer himself, but there’s a version of Yuzu that only seems to come to life when he’s being watched.

They’re doing three shows here, and a matinee in the middle is always the hardest. Javi’s legs are heavy from the show last night and staying up too late afterwards, but he can’t just push through like he would on the last day of a competition because he still has to skate again tonight. He takes it easy instead, doubling triples and marking jumps, knowing the crowd won’t mind. They’re here for entertainment, not scores.

Yuzu’s never taken a thing easy in his life. He gives it his all in the afternoon, and when he comes off the ice and down the darkened tunnel during the evening show he’s dripping with sweat, glinting on his forehead and in the hollow of his throat, bare forearms shining. He’s breathing hard, his gelled hair falling over his forehead, but he’s grinning too, obviously pleased with the performance.

Javi’s been leaning against the wall since his own skate ten minutes ago, and he heard the crowds, roaring their approval. “Vertigo” is always a hit. He smiles as Yuzu approaches, raising his hand.

“Nice work,” he says. “Good skate.”

Yuzu nods, giving him the touch of a brief high five as he passes. “Thanks.”

It seems like he’s going to keep walking, down to the green room to await the first act finale while the next two performances go on, but he stops and turns, leaning back against the wall on the other side of Javi. His chest rises and falls quickly, and Javi can hear the tight breaths he’s taking, little gasping sips of air like he does when his asthma’s bothering him. Javi frowns, turning to him.

“Are you all right? Do you need me to go and get someone?”

Yuzu shakes his head. “Just need — little time. I take — rest.”

He shuts his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall. Javi keeps watching him, worried. He’s never really been near Yuzu when he’s struggling like this, and he can see Yuzu’s breathing is still constrained, like he’s only using the top of his lungs. Javi reaches out without thinking about it, his hand sliding along the wall to rest over Yuzu’s fingers. Slowly, Yuzu’s breaths even out, and at last he turns his hand under Javi’s, clasping and squeezing it.

“Better?” Javi asks, still concerned.

Yuzu nods. His face shines even more than before, the sweat standing out over his forehead and slick throat. Javi’s seen him like _this_ hundreds of times, and it shouldn’t be so compelling, but instead of hard practices and international competitions he’s thinking of Yuzu in bed late last night, face damp from pressing it against Javi’s neck as they rocked together, too tired for anything more after the show. 

_Not here_ , Javi thinks, but dizzy, irrational desire sweeps through him as he watches Yuzu breathe like he’s savoring the air, eyes still closed and head tipped back against the wall. 

Javi clears his throat, dropping Yuzu’s hand. He intends to step away, breaking the tension of the moment, but Yuzu opens his eyes, turning his head. He smiles, and there’s that sure, sweet expectation in his eyes that Javi’s already gotten used to. Familiar and possessive, as he reaches out a hand to cup Javi’s face, and certain of his right to touch Javi like this. 

That’s how it’s always been with them, in truth. Always a little closer than with anyone else, always that comfortable physical intimacy. Javi’s never thought much about it before this summer, other than to be grateful for the support, making life a little smoother. Things between them didn’t have to be this easy. 

He wonders, for an instant, if this was where they were always headed, and then Yuzu leans in and kisses him.

Javi’s breath catches in his throat, thick. He’s so aware of being in a public hallway, dark as it might be, and his hand comes up to rest on Yuzu’s chest, intending to push him gently back. He curls his fingers in the thin synthetic material of Yuzu’s shirt instead, though, because Yuzu’s mouth on his is warm and soft, tasting of salt when Javi flicks his tongue against his lip. Javi does it again, because he can't help himself, and everything that's been happening between them flares up again, hot and sudden. They _do_ this, now.

Yuzu shifts, taking a step closer. They're both in skates and Javi rocks on his, bringing his other hand up to cup the back of Yuzu’s head. Yuzu pushes his knee in, their thighs resting together, and turns Javi back against the wall with his hands on Javi’s shoulders. Javi takes a gasping breath, his mouth opening more, but his hand tightens in Yuzu’s shirt, pulling him in. 

It stays soft and easy, though, the way Yuzu’s kissing him. Breath on his cheek, lips sliding over his, careful, like Yuzu is taking his time. Javi slowly uncurls his hand, moving up to caress Yuzu’s shoulder, resting on his damp neck as they kiss. He brushes the curl of Yuzu’s ear with his thumb, and Yuzu shivers, murmuring a little against Javi’s mouth. 

The world around them is dark and still, everything focused on this — the warmth of their bodies and their mouths, all the places they’re touching — and then there’s the startling intrusion of applause from the arena as the program ends. Javi turns his head away, breaking the kiss. 

“OK,” he mutters, sighing. Plushenko skates next, and then they have to be on the ice for the first act finale, which means people in the green room will be coming down the hallway. This sudden, seductive moment is over.

Yuzu bends his head to kiss under Javi’s ear, and Javi lifts his shoulder reflexively, trying to step away. He’s clumsy in skates, though, and their legs are still tangled up, bodies pressed together.

“Hey, come on,” Javi says. Something like panic goes through him and it comes out rushed and sharper than he means it to, as he pushes at Yuzu’s chest. “Stop, people are gonna see us.”

For a moment, Yuzu freezes where he is, and then he lifts his hands, taking a step back. There’s just enough light for Javi to see his face, wide-eyed and set with something like surprised hurt, and then there’s the noise down the hall of a door swinging open, blade covers clacking against linoleum. 

They both turn their heads to look at the crowd of skaters coming towards them, and when Javi turns back, Yuzu is already heading back towards the ice.

“Hey, matador,” Maxim says to Javi, dropping an arm over his shoulders, sweeping him up in the crowd. 

Javi doesn’t say anything in return, just flashes a distracted smile and keeps his eyes on the white patterned shirt in front of him as Yuzu walks off alone, ahead of everyone else. 

He fucked something up. He doesn’t quite understand what — Yuzu said it himself the other day, he doesn't want people to see them — but they’ve never been on bad terms before and it makes Javi feel queasy, like something’s out of place.

The white shirt flips up, and he realizes Yuzu’s stripping, changing quickly into his group costume shirt like he was supposed to have before. The sick, familiar guilt shoots back through him; just another thing that’s been disturbed by this thing between them. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the cast of Fantasy on Ice,” the speaker booms, and then they’re skating to bright lights and applause, circling around the ice and each other, music building and blaring. Javi’s only on for a minute, since it’s not his turn for the quad battle, but Yuzu stays on like he does every show, falling on most of his attempts today and laughing. It's like that moment backstage never happened.

He doesn’t see Yuzu at intermission, or for the rest of the show. That’s nothing out of the ordinary, but every time Javi catches a glimpse of him it feels like his heart squeezes painfully tight, the way Yuzu won’t meet his eyes. For the finale, Javi tries to take a place near him, but whether through chance or intention it doesn’t happen, and then there’s the post-show madness, showering and undressing, the energy of a finished performance. The last night in a city always means going out, at least to the hotel bar, but Yuzu never comes along. Javi doesn’t mean to either, but back in the hotel lobby Luca won’t take no for an answer.

“We never see you anymore!” he complains, and Javi knows it’s true, though he can’t say why. “Come on, it’s the last night before the break.”

There are almost three weeks between cities, and some of the skaters are doing the Legends show in Yokohama but Javi isn’t. Last year he stayed with Miki during the break, but that’s long over, and three weeks alone in a hotel in Japan is a waste of time and money. He’s flying home instead, a trip he’d been looking forward to until now. 

“Text me where you guys are going,” Javi says to Luca, above the noise of the other people around them. “I have to do something upstairs first.”

He takes the elevator up, following Yuzu’s path when they got off the bus. Yuzu always goes straight to his room after a show, and Javi pulls the number off the assignment email from the tour organizers. It seems strange to him, for the first time, that they’ve never spent the night there before, but that’s just how Yuzu is. Boundaries and rules, and Javi messed up something tonight.

Maybe coming here is a mistake, too, he thinks, hesitating before he knocks on the door. But he can’t get on the plane tomorrow feeling like this, guilty and off-kilter, unresolved. A few minutes pass, the silence pounding in his ears, and then Javi realizes Yuzu probably doesn’t answer unexpected knocks. He gets out his phone and finds Yuzu’s contact to text _it’s me_.

Finally he hears footsteps, and then the door unlatches before it opens. Javi smiles a little, preparing himself. He’s good at smoothing things over.

Yuzu’s face is expressionless when he opens the door, with no trace of a welcome. Javi’s surprised how happy he feels to see him, though, mixed with relief that Yuzu answered at all. He hates to have anyone upset with him.

“Hey,” Javi says, smiling wider. “So, everyone is going out.”

Yuzu presses his lips together, shaking his head. “I can't. Too much problems for me. You know.”

“I know,” Javi says. “Uh, I thought that maybe — I mean, if you want, I can…” He trails off, because saying what he has in mind feels like too much, too _real_. Suddenly he regrets coming here, forcing the issue. If Yuzu had wanted to talk to him, he would have.

For a minute Yuzu just looks at him. It reminds Javi somehow of the first night they spent together, when the world was just a distant tipsy blur with new desires around the edges and Yuzu looked at him like this. Daring Javi to say something, do something more.

Javi raises a hand and grips the back of his own neck, hanging his head. He doesn’t want to apologize, when he doesn’t even know what he did wrong, but it feels like Yuzu’s waiting for that. This is all so complicated, for something Javi can hardly think about except sideways, creeping through the memories of what they’ve done together before he shivers and thinks about something else.

“Well,” he says, finally, looking up. “Good luck in Yokohama. You should rest, because you have been working really hard. And skating so good.”

To his surprise, after a moment Yuzu opens the door wider. It's dark in the room behind him, but Javi can see the glow of Yuzu’s laptop from the middle of the bed, still neatly made.

“You have been working really hard too,” Yuzu says to him, quietly. “Maybe you wanting rest, also.”

Something warm blossoms in Javi’s chest, winged and light. He smiles again, softer than before, real pleasure in it, and there’s sweet relief in every breath he takes. 

Yuzu moves back, opening the door all the way, and Javi follows him in. He feels the touch of Yuzu’s hand against the small of his back as he passes, a gentle brush, and he looks back when Yuzu shuts the door, leaving them in the near darkness.

“But we rest later,” Yuzu says, and takes a step, closing the distance.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a good weekend! ;)

Yuzu tries not to think about Javi much, the next few weeks. It’s easy enough when he’s in Yokohama, doing rehearsals for a different show and seeing different people. They’re mostly Japanese skaters and it feels more like home, like his real life. His mother meets him there and together they take the train back to Sendai, where he’d planned to rest and enjoy the quiet for a week before rejoining the tour, but it’s not as quiet as he’d hoped. There are always outside obligations — a restaurant opening, a local newspaper interview, family friends — but it isn’t quiet when he gets a moment to himself, either. Alone, at night, Yuzu remembers everything.

Mostly he thinks about their last night together, when he asked Javi into his hotel room. It was the opposite of what he’d meant to do, when he first opened the door; after what happened at the rink, he was determined to turn the page once and for all. 

The kiss was sudden, impulsive. He knows they shouldn't have been doing it, there where anyone could see them, but he _wanted_ and it was clear that Javi did too. The way he kissed Yuzu back, the way he held him. For those brief minutes, still surging with the high of performance and the renewed passage of his own breath, Yuzu felt like they were in the same place, feeling the same things.

And then Javi shoved him back, panic in his voice, and Yuzu’s throat closed in again. He doesn’t want to broadcast what they’re doing any more than Javi, but he’s not ashamed of it the way Javi seems to be. Yuzu likes privacy, but he doesn’t want to be anybody’s dirty secret. 

But then Javi came to his room, later that night. Brown eyes so serious and warm, radiating kindness and concern the way he always does. Yuzu felt an unaccustomed melting softness, and when he thought about losing all that and Javi’s kisses too, he made the easy choice, pushing his rational self aside. It feels like Javi’s always the exception in his life, the unexpected thing. 

They kissed on Yuzu’s bed, with only the light of his laptop screen and silence all around them. Not slow and soft, like they had backstage, but the hungry, consuming kisses Yuzu had gotten used to, all the frantic force of desire. Javi kissed like he was afraid this would end at any moment, like he had to take what he could. Like Yuzu was something valuable to him, precious. 

Javi makes everybody feel special. Yuzu’s always known that about him. Maybe he would have been just as kind to any new skater at the club, homesick and culture-shocked, trying to find his way. But Yuzu’s always tried to earn his place next to Javi, _above_ Javi. He has his own, separate, long-lived dreams, but somehow winning Javi’s respect and attention have been folded into them, until it’s something he wants as much as the medals they’ve fought for.

He had all of Javi’s attention that night. Javi’s hand, sliding down his back, under his shirt and under his waistband, tongue pushing into his mouth like that would distract Yuzu from the way Javi was easing down his pants. Or maybe it was himself Javi was trying to distract, the way he was rocking his hips beneath Yuzu, his desire obvious. 

Since this began, Javi’s never asked for what he wanted in words. Yuzu can read his body, but he knows that Javi’s been holding back, even as he's seemed so hungry for what they do. He pushes for more and then he stops, waiting for Yuzu to take the lead again, maddening and enticing at the same time. Maybe he's being respectful of Yuzu’s inexperience, but sometimes Yuzu worries it’s something else.

When Javi rolled them over that night, stripping off Yuzu’s pants between kisses and then his own, Yuzu was sure it was finally going to happen. Javi would move down the bed, looking up at under those long lashes, and put his mouth on him. Yuzu wanted that, so much. He thought Javi did too.

But Javi glanced down and back up, dark eyes wide and unsure instead, and kissed him again.

They ended up getting off the way they had before; bodies rocking urgently together. This time Yuzu could feel Javi’s hardness through the thin cotton of their underwear, and the wet heat of his orgasm as he gasped against Yuzu’s neck. It was messy and intimate, so close to what Yuzu wanted, and he clutched Javi's shoulders and just breathed him in.

They fell asleep on their sides, curled together, and when Yuzu woke up in the night Javi’s arm was over his middle, holding him close. Yuzu shifted and Javi moved behind him, murmuring in his sleep and pulling Yuzu in. Javi was awake by the time Yuzu reached back, fingers sliding into the opening of Javi’s underwear. His own were already worked down over his hips, and when they touched, bare, Javi jerked forward with a low moan.

“ _Yuzu_ ,” he breathed, sharp, but he didn't pull away.

Every night, alone in his room in Sendai, Yuzu’s face burns as he remembers. The feeling of Javi against him, the warmth of their bodies together. Moving, fumbling, rocking his hips until Javi was fitted against him, touching that sensitive, secret place. How he clutched at the sheets, eyes shut tight, and tried to make it work; opening, taking Javi in. Javi’s sweaty grip on his hip, and the strain when Javi pushed, slipping in just enough for Yuzu to groan at the shock of it before he withdrew again. Over and over, the tight struggle as Yuzu clenched his teeth and held himself steady, every nerve on fire.

“Yuzu, I can’t — ” Javi finally gasped, and pulled out again. He reached down to fit himself between Yuzu’s thighs instead, breathing hard. Yuzu squeezed him tight, relishing the rough, almost painful shoves as Javi thrust back and forth, and this new intimacy of Javi tucked against him. It wasn't long before Javi let out a groan against his neck, coming in slick silky pulses that spilled over Yuzu’s legs, soaking the sheets below.

Yuzu stayed still, drowning in sensation. Hot and sticky, held beneath Javi’s strong arm, with the fierce throb of arousal beating in his body. It felt different than before when Javi finally reached down to caress him, taking firm hold and stroking him hard, like he was doing it to himself. Javi touched him with such open desire that night, kissing along Yuzu’s shoulder as he drew Yuzu off, and it was almost like the first time again, that shocking tide of being wanted back, of this being _real_.

And after, Javi fell asleep, and in the morning he was gone.

He sent a text, from the airport. _Have a good show, I’ll see you in Kanazawa_. Yuzu glanced at it, then went back to playing a game on his phone, still half-asleep. The night before felt like a dream, something he couldn't believe in yet. He waited, but Javi didn't send anything else.

They haven't texted since then. That's nothing new. They're busy, and they have their own lives, and it’s always been that way. If Yuzu thinks about Javi most nights before he falls asleep, that's nothing new either. There’s just the added weight of _maybe_ now, the pressure of action, of knowing what else he could have, if he tries.

The week in Sendai passes quickly, and then he's on a train heading to Kanazawa. Someone meets him at the station, and a car whisks him to the hotel, and like that their lives intersect again because Javi texts, _do you want to have dinner tonight?_

Yuzu can't, and he's not sorry to say so. He's not sure if he's ready for dinner, whatever that means and wherever Javi has in mind. His life is always more complicated than that, and a few summer weeks of impromptu plans and impulsive decisions are reminding him how different this is from everything else. It’s not the real world, for Yuzu.

But in the car, on the way to dinner with an old trainer and two sponsor reps and a young skater who admires him, he takes out his phone again. He thinks about the weeks apart, about the days, and the nights. About Javi moving behind him in the dark, breath in his ear and arm around his waist. About the closeness, and the feelings that can't be spoken, except in words that mean other things.

_Tomorrow_ , he says.

*****

It would be easy to forget, Yuzu thinks at rehearsal the next day. Javi’s down the rink skating with his crowd again, and Yuzu is with his. This isn’t Toronto, or even the competitions where he has to be hyper-aware of everything about Javi, from points and missteps to the state of his health. In some ways they know each other so well and in others they’re nearly strangers, thrown together by circumstance. The way he’s felt about Javi has always been a strange and secret flame that’s almost independent of Javi himself, just one of the passions Yuzu needs to give color and strength to his life. Maybe the longing has mattered more than the having does.

But he looks over to see Javi watching him, and this feeling isn’t a flame, it’s a fire. Yuzu can’t forget, because he knows. What’s happened between them has changed them, has changed _him_. He didn’t know before, and now he knows everything.

Yuzu smiles at Javi, across the rink, and after a moment Javi smiles back. Something hot and uneasy begins to burn in the pit of Yuzu’s stomach, and he thinks of those nights in Sendai. Wanting this, wanting Javi.

Today he circles the other skaters once the rehearsal is over, like he’s seeking something. Javi’s right there, and Yuzu keeps looking over while he strokes around the rink, weaving in and out between the groups of people who are chatting and laughing, easy and relaxed. Yuzu could stop anywhere he wants, joining the conversation, but having a secret makes him feel a little distanced, like he’s in another world. He could stop next to Javi, too, but it doesn’t feel right, not with what he has planned ahead of them tonight. Yuzu just keeps circling.

He breaks for lunch with Nobu, the two of them alone at a table in the green room. It’s nice to talk with someone about mundane things — television, baseball, Nobu’s kids. Yuzu holds Nobu’s phone and coos as he swipes through pictures of the littlest one.

“Does he talk now?”

Nobu shrugs his shoulders, taking a mouthful of rice. “He lets his brother do most of the talking. He gets what he wants anyway, because he’s cute. Like most little brothers.”

“Hmmm,” Yuzu says, swiping through to another picture.

“How’s your ankle?”

It’s Yuzu’s turn to shrug. “Fine.” He’s tired of thinking about his ankle.

“How's your love life?” Nobu asks, an old joke between them. Yuzu always says _nothing to report but better than yours_ , and they'll laugh together, moving on.

Today he pauses, hesitating, freezing up. The easy words are on his tongue but they aren't true, and he feels a flush sweep over his face. Yuzu clears his throat. “Nothing I want to report.”

Nobu raises his eyebrows, chopsticks hovering over his bowl. “So?”

Yuzu meets his gaze for just a moment, then looks back down at his lunch, smiling a little, secret. “Better than yours.”

He takes a bite of rice. Nobu snorts, but doesn't ask him any more questions.

After lunch, the cool calm filters away, edgy heat pressing in again. Yuzu remembers things, what’s coming and what he wants, all the things he has to do. When he checks his phone after practice, he has a text. _Where do you want to have dinner?_

Yuzu looks around. Javi’s not in the changing room, so he’s probably left already. Yuzu strips off his sweaty shirt, hanging a towel around his neck, and peels off his socks, sliding his feet into shower sandals. He picks up his phone again.

_Come to my room._

Javi keeps him waiting a while. Yuzu doesn’t mind. He orders food for them both, answers some email, texts with his mother. There are a hundred ways to fill every hour of his day. This, spending time with Javi, is a choice, one with a cost he’s trying not to think about. 

The food arrives at the same time that Javi does, and that’s fine too. Yuzu’s occupied with helping the attendant set up, clearing space for the cart, and then seeing the man to the door. When he turns around, Javi’s sitting on the bed, just watching him.

A tingling sensation goes across Yuzu’s shoulders, climbing up his neck to the top of his head. Javi keeps looking at him. There’s something careful in his eyes, wary and contemplative, but hungry too. Yuzu knows that look. It’s like when Javi’s holding himself back at a competition, trying to keep calm, to not want it too much. Javi’s always so laughing and gentle, but sometimes Yuzu sees it, at unexpected moments — the deep longing, and the worry that he’ll never have enough, be enough.

Yuzu swallows, hard. He’s not sure he’s ready for all this yet, and he turns back to the food. “You want to eat?”

“Sure,” Javi says, from behind him.

They eat sitting on the bed, TV on in the background. Javi’s been in Spain with his family, and he talks about them with so much fondness, and a little sadness too. Yuzu can’t imagine being away from home as long as Javi’s been and on his own, too, in so many different countries. He lets Javi finish talking, and then he moves closer, until their shoulders press together. 

“I feel glad for you having good visit, with family,” Yuzu says. He feels frustrated as always with his inadequate English vocabulary, the way he has to think so hard when he’s speaking. There's more than that he wants to say, but the words aren't there.

He doesn’t really need words with Javi, though, and he never has. Javi finishes his bowl and reaches over to set it on the nightstand before turning to Yuzu. “Thanks, it was a nice time. The Yokohama show, it was good? And your family? You feel good?”

Javi speaks low, his breath brushing against Yuzu’s face, close. He talks like he’s saying something else, asking other things behind his words. His gaze is just soft and direct now, the uncertainty gone.

“All good,” Yuzu says, feeling like the words are coming from far away. They both know what’s about to happen. He holds Javi’s gaze for a moment, hesitating, contemplating, before he sets down his own empty bowl. He reaches for the remote to turn off the TV, and then, taking a breath, he switches off the light.

Yuzu likes kissing in the dark. He likes using his other senses, touch and scent, catching the soft sound of Javi opening his mouth before he leans in. He likes the way the darkness makes a world around them, theirs alone. He can do what he wants, in the dark. 

Tonight he tugs Javi down, moving until they’re lying together on the bed. He cups Javi’s face and loses himself in the kiss, in slow sensation, in the little pauses between, when the heat of potential pulses around them. It goes on for a long time like that, sweet and almost satisfying. It's restful being here, being wanted, being held. His heart is a heavy beat in his chest, rising, and there’s so much ahead but he has to act, to take it. 

Yuzu’s always shaped his own future, though.

He pushes Javi over, onto his back. He hears Javi’s pleased groan, like he knows what’s coming. Yuzu smiles to himself, hooking his fingers into Javi’s waistband and tugging down, taking off Javi’s pants and underwear before his own. He can’t help himself then — Javi’s bare before him, still half-soft, and Yuzu leans down to mouth over him, using his hand to stroke Javi hard before reaching to pull the nightstand drawer open.

At the sound, Javi twists to look. “Yuzu, what — ” he starts, and stops when he sees what Yuzu’s holding. “Oh.” 

He lets out a shaky breath, but he doesn't say anything more.

Yuzu learns things quickly. Still, it took a few tries last week to do this smoothly, and he was practicing on himself, not on someone else. It's different, fitting and rolling the condom down from this angle, and that’s without even taking into account the unexpected pressure of Javi watching him, head lifted and eyes wide.

There’s pleasure in doing this right, though, fingers pinching the tip and his other hand smoothing the slick latex over Javi’s firm length. Yuzu keeps his eyes on what he’s doing, his cheeks hot. “OK?” he asks, quietly, without looking up.

The condom’s on fully now, the rolled edge lost in Javi’s dark curly hair, and Yuzu strokes up and down again, feeling the cool glide, the solid thickness beneath his hand. Javi still hasn’t said anything, but he drops his head back on the pillow, taut stomach heaving as he breathes. He reaches down and tangles his fingers with Yuzu’s, so they’re gripping him together. Yuzu looks up to see Javi turn his head away, eyes shut, throat working hard.

He takes that for a yes.

Yuzu lets go and reaches into the drawer again, for the small bottle he left there. He coats his fingers, then strokes Javi with it before he gets up on his knees, putting one leg over to straddle Javi’s hips. He moves quickly, trying not to think; ignoring the sick pound of his pulse, anxiety building again now that the moment is here.

Javi’s eyes fly open and his head jerks up when Yuzu touches him, fitting their bodies together. “Yuzu,” he says, the consonant more sibilant that it usually is, hissed out. Yuzu moves lower, balanced, thighs working hard as he begins to push Javi inside. “ _Oh_ — my god.”

Yuzu practiced this at home too, at night, in his bed, with the thing he’d bought online last year but never been brave enough to use. _Taking_ , slow and smooth, making himself go relaxed and loose. Not like their last time together, when the nerves had his belly in knots, trying to use his body in this new way. That was the wild impulse of a late night moment, Javi so warm and close behind him, but this is real, focused and planned. Yuzu knows what he wants.

Tonight Javi’s beneath him, blinking up, his fingers curled in the sheets and his mouth falling open again as he breathes in short gasps. Yuzu keeps his eyes on Javi, steady, his own breath controlled as he rocks his hips, sinking lower. Opening up, working himself down, and _fuck_ , it's not the same as it was those nights in Sendai, because nothing is the same with the way Javi’s looking at him. Stunned and wanting, as overwhelmed as Yuzu’s trying not to feel.

For a reeling moment, it’s like they’re far apart, gazing across empty space. They’re barely touching, and Javi is just staring up, hands still fisted in the sheets. Yuzu swallows hard, the situation suddenly absurd — Javi just barely inside, tight and strange and full, while Javi looks at him like that. He doesn’t know if he’s doing this wrong, or if it’s not what Javi wanted or expected, but he drops his head, breaking their gaze.

“I'm sorry,” Yuzu breathes, shifting his hips back up until Javi slips out.

Like that, Javi’s hands are on him, holding his hips and keeping him still. “No,” Javi says, raspy and quick. “It’s all right. Come here.”

Javi gets up on his elbows, pulling himself back to sit against the headboard, and Yuzu follows. He settles on Javi’s lap, guided to sit by Javi’s hands. Javi flashes a smile and cups the back of Yuzu’s neck, reaching to pull him down into a kiss.

Everything’s better when they’re kissing. Javi’s lips are firm and gentle, caressing, and he strokes Yuzu’s back with his other hand, rucking up Yuzu’s shirt. He reaches for the hem and tugs it up, under Yuzu’s arms, and Yuzu breaks away, pulling the shirt over his head and tossing it on the floor. 

Javi laughs softly. “I’m not used to having you taller than me,” he murmurs, and kisses Yuzu again.

_Except when I'm on the podium above you_ , Yuzu thinks, irresistibly.

The memory of losing in Shanghai arrows through him, the sting and the sheer surprise of it. Javi’s ahead of him once more, comfortable and confident, and Yuzu burns with the desire to be on even ground. He gets up on his knees again, reaching down to fit their bodies together, and then lowers himself, more determined now.

“Oh,” Javi groans, low. He sounds shaken, his composure lost, and Yuzu feels it too, as he pushes Javi in. Faster than before, making it work, even as the overwhelming stretching fullness slides along the edge of pain. They're both breathing hard, their kisses messy and Javi’s fingers digging into his hips, but Yuzu keeps ahead of it somehow, his hands on Javi’s face an anchor to himself. 

And then he's sitting on Javi’s lap with Javi inside him and Javi’s kissing him fiercely, gasping against his mouth. Something like triumph flares in Yuzu, bringing Javi to this untamed place again, even as his own heart pounds at the feeling of their bodies pressed together, deep and intimate. He kisses back, getting his breath, adjusting to this moment and preparing himself for the next.

Finally Javi rocks his hips, hands free over Yuzu’s bare back, his waist. Yuzu rests his hands on Javi’s shoulders and then pushes himself up, testing the leverage. Javi slips out a bit, and Yuzu makes a quiet whine when he moves down, his body stretched again. 

“That’s it, that's good,” Javi murmurs between kisses, biting at Yuzu’s mouth. Heat rushes through Yuzu, face burning, and he tries it again, lifting up more this time. 

Javi squeezes Yuzu’s hips and then moves his hands lower, cupping his ass, pulling him harder against him. He buries his face in Yuzu’s neck, stubble scratching. 

“Yeah,” Javi breathes, and his fingers dig in more. “Come on.”

Yuzu’s so hot all over. His head is tingling, blood pulsing in his ears. Javi's asking for what he wants, and they're here, doing this, together.

He takes a deep breath and begins to move steadily, thighs tensing again as he rises and falls. Again, and again, learning the motion of it. His body moves easily, following his desires, but it’s Javi’s body he has to work with, sliding over and against him, meeting the slight rock of Javi’s hips. Yuzu moves faster, grinding down, and Javi moans, “ _yeah_ ” into the curve of his neck.

He has this now. Yuzu throws his head back, tossing his hair out of his eyes, and shifts his grip to the top of the headboard, behind Javi’s head. He rides Javi harder, relishing the filthy sounds of their bodies moving together and the deep press of Javi inside him. Javi grasps his hips to pull him in, mouthing wetly over his throat and shoulder, groaning when Yuzu snaps down fast and rough. Yuzu feels the scrape of Javi’s teeth, the warmth of his tongue, the desperate longing in his hands, and a surge of pure sweet elation goes through him. He’s overwhelmed by sensation, the raw driving need, but he has _this_.

“You like it?” Yuzu gasps, rocking down again. “Tell me.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” he hears Javi hiss, and then Javi wraps both arms around him. Javi bites over Yuzu’s collarbone, harder than before, and squeezes his waist tight, constraining his movements. 

“Javi?” Yuzu asks, stopping, breathless. Javi kisses his neck again, softer now. 

“I wanna fuck you,” Javi says, so hoarse and low Yuzu can barely understand the words. Javi keeps his lips against the hollow of Yuzu’s throat for a long moment, and then he leans back, looking up. Yuzu’s eyes are adjusted to the dark, but it’s still hard to read Javi’s expression, this close. “Can you get on your knees?”

Yuzu’s mouth is dry from breathing hard, and he licks his lips, trying to think through a wave of disappointment. He liked what they were doing, but he wants to give Javi what he wants too, now that he's asking for it. “Yeah.”

He moves off, wincing at the feeling as Javi slides out, and turns away, his head hanging down as he gets on his knees. This feels different, vulnerable, waiting for Javi to touch him again, and he can’t hold back a gasp when Javi puts a hand on his back.

“It’s OK, it’ll be OK,” Javi says, soothing but hurried. “I’ll make it good.”

There’s an anxious, suspended moment, where Yuzu can feel Javi pressing against him and it’s wrong, the angle and the size of him. Then Javi shifts his hips and slips in, slick and sudden. Yuzu sighs, letting out his breath like he’s making room for Javi inside him, and braces his hands on the bed, waiting.

He shuts his eyes tight, clenching his fingers tight in the duvet below him. The loss of control has him breathless, heart lurching in his chest, aware in a way that he wasn’t before of just how new this is. Solid and real, and now it’s Javi who sets the pace, taking what he wants.

Javi goes slower than he did. Dragging his hips back and then pushing in, breath heavy. He keeps one hand on Yuzu’s hip, steady, and the other on his back, pressed flat between his shoulder blades, the only places they’re touching. It’s strange and distant, after being so close a few minutes ago, and it’s strange, too, having to wait for Javi to move, responding instead of acting.

The first time Yuzu rocks his hips back, Javi stops altogether. His fingers go tight on Yuzu’s hip, and Yuzu hears him draw in a shaky breath, surprised. Javi pulls out, slow, and pauses for a moment before the quick downstroke. Yuzu meets him again and this time Javi pulls him onto it, hauling him in with both hands.

“Oh, my god,” Yuzu gasps out. A liquid pleasure goes through him, different than before, and he drops his forehead, hips tilted as he tries to keep that angle. Javi pushes back in, a harder thrust now, and Yuzu groans into the bed, almost beyond words. “There — like that — _Javi_ — ”

He’s not really ready for this, his body still adjusting, but Yuzu’s never let anything like that hold him back before. He grits his teeth against the stretch and arches his back under Javi’s hand, holding himself against the way Javi is — _fucking him_. Hips slapping together, and Javi’s held-back, breathy groans, like he’s trying to keep quiet, even as he’s moving hard enough to shake the bed against the wall. 

Yuzu doesn’t keep quiet. His moans turn into high keening and his hands are restless, clutching the blankets as the intense pleasure builds, sharp and deep and everywhere. It’s the position he’s in, but it’s also letting Javi do this, pushing into him again and again, and the way Javi is caught up in it too, heedless, his fingers biting into Yuzu’s hip. His groans get louder as he moves faster, and he caresses Yuzu’s back roughly, almost like he doesn’t know he’s doing it, hand stroking up and down before closing over the back of Yuzu’s neck.

“Javi,” Yuzu gasps. He can feel it pooling at the base of his spine now, the sweetness of release. He's never come like this before and he doesn’t even know if he can, but he wants it, he wants so much. Filthy thoughts race through his mind, like always when he’s this close, everything he holds back spilling out. Javi’s inside him, filling him up, and Yuzu wants that to be what puts him over the edge.

The feeling crests and breaks short of ecstasy, though, until it’s just Javi thrusting into him, the thudding impact of their bodies good but not enough. Yuzu growls in frustration and shifts onto one elbow, reaching down to wrap a hand around himself. He does it fast and hard, the shift in sensation jarring at first, and then he’s gasping again as the orgasm finally begins to ripple through him. 

“Don’t stop,” he manages, just before it takes him over. Huge, almost too much, as he clenches hard around Javi and pushes his face into the bed, crying out. Yuzu’s throat burns with his stifled cries, and he shudders all over, leaning heavily on his forearm. Javi keeps rocking into him, steadily, and his hand is still on Yuzu’s neck, grip sweaty and fierce. Yuzu sobs against the blankets, overwhelmed with feelings he can’t even name — the intimate intensity of this, their bodies working together, and the way Javi’s muttering soft words that he doesn’t understand, still holding him tight. 

At last Javi slows, stopping. Yuzu’s panting for breath, coming back to himself, when Javi takes hold of his hips with both hands, pulling out and turning him over. Yuzu twists onto his back, gasping up as Javi grabs and pushes, spreading his thighs up and apart. There’s a moment where their eyes meet, in the dark, and then Javi’s moving in again, biting his lip with his eyes shut.

Yuzu drops his hands on Javi’s shoulders, linking his fingers behind Javi’s neck, and holds on as Javi rocks into him with deep thrusts, strong arms pressing into Yuzu’s sides and his hands braced against the bed. Javi isn’t quiet anymore, letting out these raw, heavy groans that send fire dancing over Yuzu’s skin, as Yuzu watches him fall apart. Javi’s so lost in this, moving with desperate, graceful power, and Yuzu’s feeling everything he shouldn’t, everything he’s tried not to. Javi’s eyes flicker open suddenly and Yuzu knows he sees it, there on Yuzu’s face, right before he lets out a soft, high gasp and comes, squeezing his eyes shut again.

Tenderness goes through Yuzu now, aching and sweet, and when Javi finishes Yuzu cups the back of his head, pulling him down. Javi pants against his shoulder, open mouth hot and wet, and Yuzu holds him close, his beating pulse jangling through his body. He can feel Javi’s heart too, through his heaving chest, and the flat firm cradle of the bed below, holding him up under Javi’s weight.

Yuzu’s used to being the person who takes the lead. Skating, family, media — everyone waits for him to set the tone, make a move. It’s like that with Javi too, affable and easygoing, but it comes from a different place. Javi’s kind, and he usually lets Yuzu have his way, but Yuzu’s starting to understand that there’s more to Javi than kindness. Desires and worries, things he doesn’t always talk about or let other people see. Javi needs Yuzu, in a way that’s hard for either of them to talk about.

So he waits. Javi’s still breathing hard against his neck, but he doesn’t move or speak, just sharing breath and space here in the dark. After a long while, Yuzu strokes his hand over Javi’s back and Javi starts, like he was on the verge of falling asleep.

“Sorry,” Javi mutters, a mirror of the way things began tonight. He gets up, one hand reaching under himself as he pulls out. Holding the condom on, Yuzu realizes with a shiver. 

“No, it’s all right,” Yuzu says, and puts his hands on Javi’s shoulders, trying to keep him close.

But Javi moves over and away, getting up to go into the bathroom. It leaves Yuzu alone on the bed, the air cool on his bare skin. He feels ridiculous suddenly, lying with his head at the end of the bed, and he gets up too, his strained muscles protesting the moment, and reaches for the light. 

There’s a water bottle on the nightstand and Yuzu takes a long drink, turning to sit against the headboard. He thinks about putting the TV back on, but he’s tired now, that sweet heavy exhaustion he’s learning to associate with sex creeping through his body. He smiles, kicking the covers back, and stretches out on the bed, fluffing the pillow under his head as the shower starts in the bathroom.

Yuzu sighs and closes his eyes, his body somehow still tense. He thinks about what he just did, what they did together. How Javi looked at him, and the way he touched him. The intimacy and the warmth, glowing through them both, even more than the pleasure they shared.

This has always been for just for a little while. A summer fling, an exception to reality. Whatever feelings Yuzu’s had, he’s known they’re too important to each other, in such a complicated way, to try for anything more. He’s known, too, that it’s not something Javi wants from him. Maybe this is just something Javi does, sleeping with men, in that easy, unconcerned way he makes friends with everyone. Yuzu’s tried to keep it what it is, simple and brief, a break from a world in which this doesn't work. 

But the way Javi _looked_ at him tonight, yearning and hungry, and how he touched him, possessive and sure. Yuzu feels tingles sweeping through his body again, remembering the building heat, the frantic desire. _Just for the tour_ , he thought, back in Shizuoka. Like this was something they could have just for the summer, folding it away when they get back to Toronto, back to work and their true lives. 

The truth is that Yuzu never wants anything halfway, and he thinks that, deep down, Javi doesn't either.

He waits, now, for Javi to come back. The shower turns off, and after a while he hears Javi’s step. Yuzu’s not sure what he's going to say, but he knows he can't go on without saying something.

When he comes out of the bathroom, Javi doesn’t meet Yuzu’s eyes. He’s looking down instead, a towel slung low on his waist and his t-shirt sticking to his damp skin. As he bends over to get his pants from the floor, Yuzu watches him, seeing the breadth of his shoulders and the drops of water on his neck, the wet curls slick against his head. Things he’s seen a hundred times, without ever letting them turn into something more in his mind.

Javi pulls his pants on beneath the towel, letting it drop away, and finally looks at Yuzu. His gaze moves along the bed, sliding over Yuzu’s unclothed body, until their eyes meet. There’s a strange expression on Javi’s face, like there has been all night. Like he’s only halfway here; like he wants something he can’t say.

“I have to get up early,” Javi says, clearing his throat. “So I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

He sounds almost normal, except there’s a roughness in his voice, a tremor, that only someone who knows him well would catch.

Yuzu knows him well. _Please_ , Javi’s saying. _Don’t ask anything more of me tonight._

He’s still looking at Yuzu, eyes wide and pleading, and Yuzu’s still bare before him, in the light of the lamp. They’ve never been completely naked for any of this before, Yuzu realizes, and it feels vulnerable, to still be undressed when Javi isn’t. For all that, there’s the same invisible barrier between them as always, keeping them from fully connecting. Usually it’s language, but tonight it’s something else, something that matters more than words.

“Yeah,” Yuzu says, after a pause, and he sounds almost normal too. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He doesn’t add a teasing joke or a jibe, because this feels so delicate and serious, navigating through everything that’s in the air. He smiles, though, just a little, soft and meaningful, and lifts his gaze.

Javi smiles back, and there’s a sense of relaxing and unfolding, the tension fading. He puts one knee on the bed, moving forward to lean on his hand, and Yuzu’s heart jumps into his throat. He freezes up, waiting, as Javi bends down.

But Javi just presses a kiss against his forehead, sweet and lingering, and ruffles his hair as he moves away. Yuzu hears him sigh. “Sleep well, pequeño.”


	5. Chapter 5

Kanazawa is beautiful, and Javi sees almost none of it while he’s there. 

There is a day trip to the castle, which he goes on because practice ends early and it feels too dangerous, spending so much time waiting around the hotel. He needn’t have worried; Yuzu’s busy with PR stuff all day and he misses dinner too, so Javi doesn’t even hear from him until a late night text that just says _sorry ):_. He should know better than to plan any part of his life around Yuzu, Javi thinks.

The castle trip is fun, regardless. It’s good to be with other people, seeing the country and doing some physical activity besides skating. _Skating and sex_ , Javi can’t help reminding himself, and his face gets hot on the bus ride back into the city. 

They haven’t had sex again, but it feels like that night is never very far from his mind. Yuzu taking control, getting Javi ready and then moving on top, his bare thighs spreading over Javi’s hips. Working himself down, eyes closed and breathing hard, frowning with concentration. The way his face changed when his hips were crashing against Javi’s; his eyes open now, dark and intense and triumphant.

Javi liked it all far too much. Yuzu in his lap, moving powerfully against him, making them both feel good. It made Javi’s chest go tight, his ears ringing until he had to hold Yuzu close, lips on his throat. He could breathe easier when they were both on their knees, Yuzu beneath him and rocking back, working together, but Yuzu bringing himself off was too much again — the noises he made and feeling him come, lost in gasping ecstasy. Javi pulled out and turned him over, desperate and unthinking, just needing to find the same sweet oblivion.

Yuzu gave it. He never holds back when they’re together, and that was the last thing Javi could take, seeing everything he was feeling there in Yuzu’s eyes. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” Javi mutters to himself now, remembering. He turns away from the bus window, breaking his gaze on the dusky city, not wanting these sharp and complicated thoughts. 

“What’s wrong?” Luca asks, sitting next to him.

Javi just shakes his head. “Tired,” he says. “And I'm hungry — do you have any snacks left?”

Luca gives him a look, rolling his eyes before reaching down for his backpack. “You gotta learn to take care of yourself better, bambino.”

Javier takes the protein bar that Luca hands over and then settles back against the seat, closing his eyes. It feels like he's been taking care of himself for a long time, and he’s not always sure he's doing a good job of it but there’s never been much choice. 

“Seriously, man,” Luca says. “Is something going on with you? These days, it seems like we only see you at the rink.”

Javi shrugs, eyes still closed. His cheeks tingle, flushed, and he knows he's not a great liar. “I'm fine.”

He can tell Luca is still looking at him. “I know that you’re always in your room. I heard you once — you been getting some, hooking up?”

Now Javi’s face is red enough that Luca would be able to see, if it weren't dark on the bus. He shrugs again. “I do OK.”

“Hmm,” Luca says, and Javi knows he wants more details. It's impossible to imagine telling him what's going on, though, when Javi can hardly even think about it. Saying those words out loud, _I’m sleeping with Yuzu_ , would be like making a declaration, defining himself in a way he’s not sure he’s ever going to be ready to do. He’s spent so many years in this sport fighting what people think of him, and the awful idea there was any truth in it sends a shiver down Javi’s spine, making him clench his jaw and look out the window again. 

It doesn’t feel awful, though, when he’s kissing Yuzu later that night. Yuzu texted and Javi went, because now they do this in Yuzu’s space, on Yuzu’s terms, and Javi can’t stay away. Tonight they’re in each other's arms on the bed, lying face to face, and it’s all that Javi wants right now. 

He’s kissed a lot of people in his life and this is just how he likes it, soft and warm and wet, getting caught up before slowing it down again. They’re good at this, exploring and enjoying each other's bodies, and when they’re alone it’s so easy to forget everything else. After the crazy, impulsive way it began, this is something with a life of its own now, pulling them away from the rest of the world. They’ve been training together for three years but Javi’s never felt even a hint of it before; this constant desire, so enchanted by everything about Yuzu. Javi wants to lock the door behind them and never stop touching, never stop kissing, never come out again.

“That tickles,” Yuzu says, huffing out a laugh as Javi kisses his shoulder and tugs down his shirt collar. Javi hasn’t shaved in a few days and he knows his stubble is rough. He turns his head, letting his cheek rasp over the soft skin of Yuzu’s neck, and Yuzu laughs and seizes up, shuddering. 

“Stop it,” he complains, pushing at Javi’s head, but his hand falls on the back of Javi’s neck to keep him close, like he doesn’t really mean it. 

Javi kisses the sweet junction of neck and shoulder, then rubs his face against Yuzu one more time before leaning up to kiss his mouth again, letting out a satisfied murmur. It’s late, long after dinner, and he feels tired and happy, sleep a sweet heavy blur around the edges of everything. He could stay here, he thinks. He could stay here forever.

Now Yuzu’s hand creeps down, finding the hem of Javi’s shirt, pushing it up to rest against the small of his back. Yuzu doesn’t do more than that, though, like he just wants the contact between them, warm and gentle. Javi keeps kissing Yuzu’s mouth, one hand resting on his face, stroking back his hair at the temple. 

“We have show, tomorrow night,” Yuzu says at last, nibbling at his lips.

“Yeah,” Javi sighs. He pulls back, resting his head on the pillow. 

Like this, he’s far enough away to really see Yuzu’s face. The dark lines of his closed eyes, the sweep of his high cheekbones, the rounded curves of his nose and mouth. Familiar but new, and so beautiful, Javi thinks. Not for the first time, but it feels different now, thinking about Yuzu that way. Studying him not as a passing observation, or in the calculation of competition, but with appreciation and affection, and a deep pleasure at being allowed to be this close, feeling the warmth of his breath and the sweetness of his smile. 

There’s a magic about Yuzu that Javi’s always felt, pulling him in further than he means to go. He never expected to end up here, but maybe it was always ahead of them. Here in this room, in this moment, he feels like he can live with that.

If he doesn’t think too hard about it.

Javi leans back in, pressing another kiss to Yuzu’s mouth, soft and lingering. Yuzu kisses back for a moment, and then he moves away, sitting up. He smooths his hair and runs his hand over his head and chest like he’s putting himself back together, checking everything’s there, before looking down to smile at Javi.

“Tour is half finish,” he says, quietly. “The summer, always go fast.”

This summer more than any, Javi thinks. He gets the urge to touch Yuzu again, resting his arm across Yuzu’s lap or reaching up to run his thumb over Yuzu’s full lower lip, but he mistrusts the impulse. Yuzu’s words are always a slow approximation of what he’s really thinking, not entirely what he means. If Yuzu’s trying to tell him something else, Javi doesn't know what it is. 

And he doesn’t know, still, what he wants to say himself, or what Yuzu wants to hear. There's this tension that keeps changing, Yuzu beckoning him in and then holding him off, demanding perfection, and beneath that there’s still the dull roar of Javi’s own feelings, the dizzy disbelief at what’s happening between them. When he goes out the door this moment will stay here, and everything will be like it always has been. 

“Yeah,” Javi says. He knows his voice is rough, and that it’s not enough, that one word, to encompass everything he’s feeling, but he thinks Yuzu knows that too. 

He does move, finally, reaching up to squeeze Yuzu’s knee. Yuzu smiles, quick and a little surprised, but he touches Javi’s shoulder as he gets up. Javi smiles back, and then he leaves, going out into the real world again and leaving this behind. 

Until the next time.

*****

The first of the Kanazawa shows is rough, like they’ve all had too much time away. Javi tries to shake it off, showering after. It feels like he’s a jagged puzzle piece after being home, having to get used to Japan all over again. The food and the culture and the time change, and the way people here actually recognize him in the streets and scream for him on the ice. It’s always strange to feel more at home, in some ways, when he’s away from his own country.

That doesn’t just mean Japan. In a few weeks he’ll be back in Toronto and that’s another kind of home, too. The familiar rink, and his apartment and cat, the occasional Friday night dinner with other skaters from the club. Brian and Tracy and David, the sketchy programs they discussed in spring starting to take real form and all the concerns of another competitive season ahead. Sometimes Javi stops for just a moment and the exhaustion overwhelms him, with everything he has to remember and manage. It’s a long road to another Olympics, and he’s already been there twice before.

He’s coming into the season as the world champion, though, and that’s something he’s never been able to say. He knows it was close, and that Yuzu’s been struggling with one injury after another, but the victory is still his, something to hold onto. He’ll always have that.

And it feels like he’ll always have Yuzu, in one way or another. Javi’s never looked too closely at their relationship, tangled and complex, frustrating and necessary as family. They’ve never had to talk about it, only to act with kindness. Javi’s always preferred to love when he can. 

But it was easy before because he never really thought about it. Supporting Yuzu, pushing or teasing him, has always come naturally. Everyone’s drawn to Yuzu, from kids to competitors, the media and other skaters’ coaches, and Javi knew his own feelings didn’t mean anything because they _couldn’t_.

He feels that old shiver of recoil creep over his shoulders, as he lets himself remember the last weeks. It feels like a dream, like something that happened to someone else, the things they do in secret. It isn’t just staying there anymore, though; two hours ago Yuzu texted across the dressing room about meeting up after the show, and then looked up to flash a smile at Javi with an undertone of warmth so strong it felt like everyone had to see it.

And Javi likes that, loves it even. He’s always felt the specialness of their connection, setting him apart, and when they’re alone now he doesn’t regret what happens. He just doesn’t know how to square that with the rest of his life, with everything he knows about himself.

Javi finishes his shower and dries off, glancing around the changing room as he walks in with a towel around his waist. For a sick, dizzy moment he feels out of place here, unsafe, wondering who’s seeing him look at them and who might be looking back. He hasn’t felt like this since he was a teenager, unsure around the other boys at the rink in Jaca, worrying what they thought and keeping his eyes on the floor of the changing room. Everything was new then and the stakes were different, coming into themselves as men as much as skaters. 

“Hey,” someone says, touching his shoulder as they pass by. Javi jumps, startled, but it’s just Johnny, carrying his shower things and reaching for a clean shirt. His towel has slipped a little, and Javi can see the pale curve of his ass as he bends over and reaches down, his long bare back twisting with the movement. It looks like Yuzu’s, though not as lean, and for one stupid moment Javi’s stuck where he is, staring at Johnny’s half-naked body and remembering everything. Yuzu above him, and Yuzu below him, and the way he felt. 

Then Javi shakes himself, waves of unpleasant heat going through him, because he’s staring at Johnny’s _half-naked body_. Johnny, who he’s never thought about that way and isn’t even really thinking about now, except for everything Javi ever heard about him, growing up in skating. The jokes, the admiration tinged with dismissal, the rumors and uncertainty, the shaken heads. _He’s a beautiful skater, but…_

Javi pulls his towel tighter around his waist and turns away, ducking his head. He knows his face must be flushed, and he feels foolish and embarrassed, thinking like this about someone else. Johnny’s a good skater and a good person, and Yuzu is too, and so is everyone Javi’s ever heard whispers about. 

But the whispers have never been about himself.

He gets dressed quickly, looking down. He didn't answer Yuzu’s text from earlier, and when he picks up his phone it’s tempting to say no. Say he’s tired and put Yuzu off, or maybe let all of this come to a quiet end.

Javi takes a breath and holds it before letting it out, making a choice for tonight. _Your room or mine?_

He looks around the changing room again. Yuzu’s always one of the last in the showers, media obligations or fans keeping him in the arena for longer, and Javi doesn’t see him now. He’s surprised, though, when his phone buzzes in his hand, and he looks down to see one word.

 _Mine_.

Javi looks at his phone for a long time, thinking about nothing in particular, just feeling the soft weight of his own breath, and then he puts it away.

*****

Yuzu’s room is dark when he lets Javi in. That’s how it was their last night in Shizuoka, when Javi went up to make things right, his heart sinking beneath a bright smile. Yuzu was strange that night, more withdrawn, and Javi found himself pursuing, going further than he had before, trying to keep Yuzu there with him. Even now, he doesn’t know what makes his heart beat harder — to ask for more, declaring himself, or when Yuzu does the same. 

There’s vulnerability in desire, and Javi’s never liked opening himself that way, especially not when it’s always been easier to move through the world being desired by others. Having the girls he wants, and the attention of men who can help him. Javi tries not to use it consciously, but people respond to something about him, and he knows it’s made his life easier. 

But there’s another kind of desire he’s always had to navigate more carefully. Sometimes it’s simply admiration, or the fond nostalgia of older men, but when he was younger there were men who could be dangerous, whose interest could never be openly rejected, because of who they were. That’s part of his life, too.

And then there’s the desire Javi hasn’t had to deal with in a long time. The curious, cautious kind, circling the edges, careful and considering. _Are you like me?_ Never anything seriously ventured, but the opportunity extended — a room number or a meeting place, somewhere in a foreign city. He felt for them, the boys who couldn’t ask for what they wanted except sideways, eyeing other skaters at competitions with eager, restrained longing, but that wasn’t his world. 

Javi wonders if it was Yuzu’s. They’ve never talked much about their early years, when the seeds of their careers grew in such different ground. It’s hard to imagine Yuzu carving out that kind of private space, after being famous at home for so long, but he must have sometimes. _Kisses, yeah_ , Yuzu said, that very first night, and Javi didn’t ask when, or with who. 

Kissing is all they do again tonight. That’s what Yuzu wants, the night before a show, and Javi keeps finding himself doing what Yuzu likes. It’s no hardship to kiss him, but it doesn’t let Javi shut off his mind the way he can with sex, when the overwhelming pleasure covers all the thoughts he can’t hold back now.

He wonders if Yuzu looked at him that way, when they first met. Curious, considering. _Are you like me?_ He wonders what Yuzu saw in him then.

“Not so hard,” Yuzu murmurs, pushing against Javi’s shoulder and tilting his head back from their kiss. 

Javi realizes he was biting Yuzu’s lower lip fiercely, caught up with wondering. He burns with chagrin and kisses along Yuzu’s lip with tiny soft presses, apologetic. He wants to touch it like he was thinking of it yesterday, brushing it with his thumb, but that feels like too much, too intimate. 

He strokes Yuzu’s cheek instead, and then sweeps his hand down Yuzu’s back, over the curves of waist and hip, cupping his ass and pulling him close. The contact sends a warm current of arousal through Javi, and he moans against Yuzu’s mouth, holding him even tighter. This is good now, driving the worrisome thoughts out of his head, leaving only the pleasure of their bodies together.

Yuzu pulls his head away again, though, humming disapproval. “Show tomorrow,” he says, warning. He strokes the back of Javi’s head and smiles tightly, just the corners of his mouth, before leaning in to give Javi a quick kiss, with an air of finality. “I thinking, it’s time for bed.”

Javi knows Yuzu doesn’t mean that as an innuendo. He knows he can’t stay here, either, for so many reasons. It’s clear from his conversation with Luca that they haven’t been careful enough. But being here at all, he’s had to shut off the part of his mind that makes good decisions, that helps him take care of himself, and they’re so warm and close now, tangled up like this. His hand is still on Yuzu’s hip, stroking the full curve of his ass, and he feels the low throb of arousal beginning, his body waking up.

“You won’t leave me like this, will you?” Javi asks. There isn’t much teasing in his voice, though he meant there to be.

Yuzu’s eyes flick down, and then up to meet his, frowning. “Like how?” 

“Like,” Javi says, and he softens his expression, letting his lashes brush his cheeks as he rolls his hips deliberately against Yuzu. “This.”

Yuzu catches in a sharp breath. He shakes his head, though, rubbing the tips of their noses together. “Wait. After show, Sunday. I make it good for you.” 

He kisses Javi again, more warmly than before, letting it linger. Javi hears an echo of his own words, the last time they slept together, and his heart pounds painfully in his chest. Yuzu pulls back, and he studies Javi for a moment through lowered eyelids. 

“Maybe,” he says, and pauses. “Maybe you make it good for me, too.”

Javi know what Yuzu’s saying, what he’s asking. He wants to tease back, lighten the mood, change direction, but all that comes out, through his tight throat, is a raspy, “Maybe.”

Yuzu doesn’t say anything else, just looks at him a little longer before turning away.

Javi still can’t do it. Just the idea, as he's walking down the hall to his own room, makes his shoulders go tense and stiff. He can kiss Yuzu, and rock against him, and touch him under his clothes and even fuck him, but it sends a hot shameful burn roaring through Javi to think of getting on his knees, using his mouth. How he’d be so clumsy, doing it for the first time, and so vulnerable, letting himself be open like that, showing his desire and what he's willing to do.

He thinks about it, though, getting ready for bed. The way it would feel, and taste. How Yuzu might touch him, and the noises he'd make. Every time they go further it's Yuzu drawing Javi in, with his determined gaze and that keening moan, his skillful hands and panting breath. Javi knows this is just as new to Yuzu, and there's something enticing about being the first person to ever do that to him, making him feel good that way.

Like that night when they first came to Kanazawa, the one that replays every time he closes his eyes. Javi stretches out under the sheets, folding his hands under his head and arching his hips up with a sigh. He’s still turned on, and now it's like a low flame being turned up as he remembers.

They’re so good together, every time. His hands on the slope of Yuzu’s back and at his hips, holding him steady as they moved. The rhythm they found, deep and instinctive. He meant to stop this weeks ago, but Yuzu’s always _looking_ at him, asking for more, and Javi knows just how it will be.

Going down on Yuzu would probably be good too, Javi thinks, moving one hand from behind his head and slipping it under the sheets, into his shorts. He's always loved doing it with girls, taking his time with the sweet warm slick intimacy of it, making them come. It could be like that with Yuzu too, soft kisses as he finds his way, tenderness overcoming inexperience. 

Javi wraps his hand around his cock now, stroking himself hard and letting his thumb glide over the tip, and that guilty flush rushes back through him as he imagines opening his mouth, taking Yuzu in. Maybe Yuzu would put a hand on the back of Javi’s neck, or maybe he’d just clutch at the sheets beneath, letting out those desperate gasps that send thrills of arousal through Javi.

It makes him shudder, just thinking about how worked up Yuzu would get. Javi could tease him, keep in control for once. Yuzu would try to take it back, of course — pushing Javi’s head down, thrusting up into his mouth — and Javi squeezes his eyes shut tighter at the thought, grimacing as he turns his head to the side. Maybe he’d like that too, he thinks, and shudders again.

Javi brings his hand up to his mouth and licks his palm. He wants the wetness, but he also wants the musky salt on his tongue as he strokes himself, fast and hard now. Yuzu gets so wet when Javi touches him this way, soaking through his clothes before he even comes. Javi digs his heels into the bed and arches up into his own hand, imagining Yuzu’s taste in his mouth, Yuzu’s fingers in his hair.

And then the picture changes in a flash, as Javi feels deep pleasure starting, shortening his breath. He sees himself on his knees, on the bed, with Yuzu behind him, and he lets out a startled groan, gripping himself tight. He thinks of Yuzu pressing against him, hard and insistent. Opening him up, pushing inside. Yuzu’s voice low in his ear, “I make it good for you.” 

Javi curses, burning hot all over, and jerks himself hard enough to hurt if it didn’t feel so good. The pleasure is sharp and shameful, but he can’t stop imagining himself moaning into the bed, letting Yuzu thrust into him from behind. Yuzu would be so _good_ , snapping his powerful hips. Giving it to Javi, taking him there, breathing, “come on, say my name.”

Ecstasy flares, almost unbearable, and Javi does gasp “ _Yuzu_ ” before he spills over his hand, hot and pulsing. He groans through it, helpless and shaking, and when he’s finished he rolls over and buries his face in the pillow, clutching it around his face. His shoulders heave as he gasps for air, the weight of what just happened suffocating him.

_Fuck._

After a long while Javi lifts his face from the pillow, warm and wet where his mouth was. He’s still breathing hard and he swallows painfully, staring up at the headboard in the dark, before shaking his head to clear it. He can’t think about this anymore.

Javi rolls over onto his back, closing his eyes, but it’s a long time before he falls asleep.

*****

He gives Yuzu some space, the next two days. He thinks Yuzu is doing the same. Maybe this is when all this madness finally comes to an end, on its own, after they’ve gotten too close to the fire. For the first time Javi thinks about what will happen when the tour ends, when summer ends, when they’re back in their familiar lives of training and competition. They can’t keep doing this forever. Everyone would know.

The thoughts come whenever he has a quiet moment to himself. This is an impossible mess, a summer fling that’s going to make trouble if it doesn’t end soon. He’s giving Yuzu space but he’s still aware of where Yuzu is, all the time, no matter where they are. In the corner of the green room, backstage, laughing with Nobu and Akiko. Up at the front of the bus from the hotel, his usual spot, eyes closed and headphones in. Alone in his hotel room for dinner, while the rest of the tour eats in the restaurant below. 

He thinks Yuzu feels the same. Every time Javi looks over, Yuzu is looking back. Smiling, or just watching, with something in his eyes Javi can’t quite read. 

They’ve always been close, connected. Everyone knows that. But Javi’s starting to wonder if they know more than he thought.

“Good to see you,” Luca says to him Saturday night, when Javi comes down for dinner. “Yuzu’s coming too?”

“Uh, I don’t know, you’d have to ask him,” Javi says, discomfited, and pushes up his glasses as he reaches for the menu. 

“I thought that you guys were a set,” Stephane says, from across the table. 

“We just train together,” Javi says, and he’s fighting so hard against the rising heat in his face, which only makes it worse. He clears his throat, trying to sound normal. “I mean, I’m not his babysitter, right?” 

He forces a laugh, which must be good enough because the people around him smile too, looking down at their own menus. Luca looks at him a moment longer, then turns away to say something to Anna. Javi’s glad, for the first time, that they won’t be coming to Kobe next week.

Sunday drags on forever, like the matinees usually do. Finales, farewells. Local dignitaries to meet afterwards, a goodbye dinner with someone important. Yuzu’s the one everyone wants to see, and Javi lingers in the background like always. Ten world titles wouldn’t change his standing in Japan, popular but not adored. He’s never wanted that life and he still doesn’t, but it seems like this summer he can’t stop thinking about how it would feel. 

In a week, he’ll go home and nobody will recognize him at the airport, or in the streets of Madrid. He’s free to live his life there, and it’s part of what makes going home so sweet. It’s just hard to think of how else it might be, if he’d been able to stay.

Javi gets back to the hotel first. He packed his suitcases this morning, and the room is nearly empty of his belongings, ready to be an anonymous resting place for the next guest. He’s always felt like somebody else in hotels, like he has to hold himself a little tighter when he travels, watching carefully over his things and making plans for everything. It’ll be good to be somewhere real again.

It’s late when Yuzu finally texts. For a moment, Javi considers saying it’s too late for this, that he’ll see Yuzu tomorrow with the rest of the tour at the train station, but that’s not what he wants to say. He’s trying so hard to be truthful, to be real.

 _I’m leaving now_ , is what he sends instead.

For the first time, he worries about meeting someone else in the halls on the way to Yuzu’s room. About Luca, eyeing him, or Stephane, asking where his other half is. Miki, who knows him better than anybody. It’s too late to be out for any reason, and he feels like it’s all on his face, for everyone to see.

He doesn’t meet anyone.

Yuzu opens the door in a hotel robe, hair wet and tousled from the shower. He looks tired, the way they all do after weeks of touring, but he smiles when he sees Javi, happy and uncomplicated. Javi hardly lets the door close before they’re kissing in the dark.

“Sorry for so late,” Yuzu murmurs.

“It’s fine,” Javi says, and captures his mouth again.

The last weeks have been wild, a dream, something they don’t talk about, they just do. Speaking with their bodies and forgetting everything else, all that this could mean. At least Javi’s tried to forget; it’s hard to know what Yuzu’s thinking, sometimes, for all he talks so much. That pleased smile, there at the door, didn’t feel like just a summer fling, and that’s not how Javi’s feeling either, as he takes Yuzu to bed.

Yuzu isn’t wearing anything under his robe. Javi’s hands roam, Yuzu beneath him and kissing back fiercely. This isn’t like the last few times, when Yuzu held him off, something tight and tense between them. Tonight Yuzu’s snapped his fingers, turning it all back on, and Javi follows like always, helpless and caught.

Javi shifts over, pushing his knee between Yuzu’s legs, pressing his thigh up and in. Yuzu’s body is hot against his bare leg, and the intimacy of touching him like this makes Javi gasp, mouthing over Yuzu’s smooth jaw. He always wants to kiss Yuzu’s long neck, marking it up, and he lets himself do it now, biting a line of kisses low and hard across his throat.

Yuzu lets out a moan and doesn’t stop him, cradling Javi’s head tight against his chest. He moves his legs restlessly, tangling them with Javi’s, and reaches down to ruck up Javi’s shirt until he can scratch over his back, like he wants to share the sweet ache. 

Javi kisses Yuzu’s shoulder, pushing his robe open, and then mouths over his chest, the narrow and defined muscles there. For a moment he feels a dizzying pull, like he wants to move down Yuzu’s body, lips trailing over his stomach and lower, and Yuzu arches his hips, as if he knows. Javi jerks his head up, mouth falling open, and meets Yuzu’s eyes, as wide as his own.

They gasp at each other for a moment in the dark, dangerous electricity all around them. The moment strains, too tense, and finally Yuzu gets up and shoves Javi over onto his back. 

Now it’s Yuzu who moves down, confident, pushing Javi’s t-shirt up out of the way. He’s still wearing the hotel robe and the terry cuffs fall over his hands as he pulls at Javi’s waistband, rough against Javi’s stomach. Yuzu sits up, shrugging out of the robe, and Javi strips off his own shirt, getting his elbow caught before freeing himself. 

He’s wearing shorts with nothing underneath, and when Yuzu leans in again to pull them down Javi hears his low murmur of surprise, stroking a hand over Javi’s bare hip. Yuzu lifts his head, smiling in that secret, knowing way he has, and then he bends back down, mouth opening wide.

“Oh,” Javi gasps, hands going to Yuzu’s head. “Oh yeah, _fuck_ , Yuzu — so good.”

Yuzu murmurs again, like he knows he is. There's the silky, liquid drag of his tongue, and then his hot enclosing mouth, perfect as he moves. They haven't done this in weeks, since before the break, and it's even better than Javi remembers. _Yuzu’s_ better than he remembers.

Javi has the fleeting, unpleasant thought that maybe he wouldn’t be this good if he tried it, and then he puts his hand on the back of Yuzu’s neck and squeezes tight, losing himself in the delicious sensation.

It’s easy to get lost. Yuzu hums around him, moving in a complicated rhythm with his hand and lips and tongue. He’s showy and determined and working hard, and Javi keeps gasping out loud, encouraging him, trying to hold his eyes open to watch Yuzu moving in the dark.

Yuzu changes something, the pressure of his mouth or the angle of his grip, and Javi lets out a higher groan, as a jolt of pure warm pleasure goes through him. It’s enough to make Yuzu stop right away, lifting his head and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Wait,” Yuzu says. “Not yet.”

He moves away, leaving Javi panting with arousal, and then Javi hears the crinkle of foil when he comes back.

“Yuzu,” he says, breathless.

“This is OK?” Yuzu says, but he’s already got one hand wrapped back around Javi, easing down his foreskin, and Javi can’t help arching into his touch, muttering something that’s close enough to _yes_.

It’s all he’s been thinking about for days, and he can’t deny that he wants it again, even if it’s hard to ask for it. Especially here, now, with Yuzu’s delicate hands so capable on him — when did that happen, how did any of this happen — and this banked fire ready to roar through his body. Javi’s ears ring with it, and he clenches his fists in the sheets, overwhelmed by this sudden want, this ceaseless desire.

Yuzu strokes the condom down and then slicks him up, taking longer than he needs, as if he likes feeling Javi hard and straining beneath his hand. Every breath is a struggle for Javi, waiting for Yuzu to finish. Yuzu will move up like he did before, Javi thinks, and then ride him hard, taking what he wants.

But this time he moves away, lying on his stomach. When Javi turns to look, he sees Yuzu looking back over his shoulder, serious and intense, not smiling now. The room is dark but Javi’s eyes have adjusted, and it’s all there in Yuzu’s gaze again — the same want, the same fire. 

“I want it like this,” Yuzu says, softly.

The blaze takes spark, and Javi rolls over, catching Yuzu’s mouth in a crushing kiss. He holds Yuzu’s head close as he climbs up, his knees between Yuzu’s spread thighs and one hand braced against the bed. Javi has to let go to guide himself in, and they shift against each other, too eager as they struggle to meet. And then that’s it, he’s pushing into Yuzu’s tight heat, startling and slick and so, so incredibly good.

He doesn’t know how Yuzu’s doing this, if he’s practiced or if he got himself ready before, but Yuzu just lies with his head on his folded arms, hips arched up, and _takes_ it. Javi works in with short jerky thrusts, and Yuzu moans, pushing his face into the bed. It drives Javi on, Yuzu’s gasping breath and the tensed curve of his ass, the lush heat of his body and the way he keeps moaning _oh_ every time Javi presses deeper. 

Javi gets up more and thrusts in short and hard, snapping his hips with a grunt, his heart pounding until it hurts. He wants this so much, and when they’re moving together he doesn’t have to think about why.

The narrow span of Yuzu’s shoulders is beautiful in the dark, though, irresistible. Javi stops, panting, and kisses over Yuzu’s back and neck, pressing his lips beneath Yuzu’s soft hair. Yuzu lifts his head, turning, and Javi stretches up to find his mouth again.

They kiss, sloppy and breathing hard. Javi bites Yuzu’s lower lip and pulls it between his own as he begins to move, slower than before. Steady and deep, a rocking wave, and Yuzu meets him, their hips working in rhythm. Javi reaches up to cup Yuzu’s jaw, holding it tight, and Yuzu groans against his mouth.

When Javi lets go, Yuzu drops his head back down on his arms, pushing his body up more. Javi grinds into him, intent on making him moan again, on doing this right. He hasn’t stopped thinking about last time, about fucking Yuzu from behind, how Yuzu cried out as he lost control. This time, Javi wants to be the one to make him come. Yuzu arches up again, knees pressing into the bed as Javi shifts angles, until finally he lets out a high, sharp gasp.

“Oh,” Yuzu whines. “That’s good, that’s good.”

Javi puts one hand on Yuzu’s hip, holding him steady as he moves faster. “There?”

“Fuck,” Yuzu says, choked, and pushes his face into the bed. “Yeah, Javi.”

Heat flares in Javi’s face at the sound of his own name, but he just sets his jaw, thrusting in harder. Yuzu moans, quietly at first, lifting his head to catch his breath between, and Javi hears it again, louder, _Javi_ and _Javi_ and _like that, Javi_. He catches his own stuttered, gasping breath and then he’s moving with all the power of his body, arms locked and hips slamming in, the bed hitting the wall with every thrust.

“Javi,” Yuzu moans, almost a cry. “ _Javi_.”

Javi’s face is so hot it hurts, a flush that goes up to his ears and down his neck, burning through his body. He has the shameful memory of Luca, _I heard you once_ , and Stephane, _I thought you guys were a set_. He doesn't remember whose room is on the other side of the wall, and he wants to cover Yuzu’s mouth. Everyone’s going to know about this tomorrow, with the noise they’re making now. But he can’t stop, he can’t stop, because Yuzu sounds so desperate and this feels so good, so urgent and perfect and right.

“Come on,” Javi says, breathing hard. The bed creaks again with every slap of his hips. He’s tired, but he could do this forever. “Come on, baby.” The endearment comes out without a thought, and his cheeks go hot again. 

“Javi,” Yuzu gasps, almost a sob. He spreads his thighs wider, and then draws them in against Javi’s legs, like he’s trying to find a better position. He moans incoherently, sounding frustrated.

“Wait,” Javi pants, and stops. He lifts one knee and then the other, moving so he’s straddling Yuzu’s thighs, squeezing them together. When he pushes back in Yuzu takes a sharp breath, his whole body going tense. Yuzu’s so _tight_ like this, and Javi rocks his hips with a steady drag, overwhelmed by Yuzu’s moans, and the consuming, pounding heat that’s growing between them. Yuzu gets quieter as it builds, his breathing labored like he’s concentrating, and then he lifts his head again.

“ _Hard_ ,” he says, commanding and pleading all at once.

Javi does it, helpless. He fucks Yuzu until the bed hammers against the wall again, until Yuzu calls out his name, until he’s flushed with the knowledge that people must be hearing them and Yuzu doesn’t care. In the darkness, it all comes down to this, just their bodies working together and the pleasure he’s giving Yuzu, that perfect connection that makes Yuzu finally shudder and clench around him, crying out into the pillow until his voice is raw and breaking. 

“Oh fuck,” Javi moans. “Oh _fuck_.”

It’s too much. He drops his head to Yuzu’s shoulder and muffles his shout against the firm muscle, with the slick salt of Yuzu’s skin beneath his tongue. When he comes it’s pulsing and heavy, and it seems like it encompasses them both, blossoming and spreading, like Yuzu’s flesh is part of his own. 

Javi feels the thick power of Yuzu’s thighs between his and the strength of Yuzu’s back beneath him, heaving with Yuzu’s gasping breaths, and knows that something happened tonight, beyond whatever this has been before. He kisses Yuzu’s shoulder, smoothing over the bitten place, and Yuzu moans, low, humming in his chest. Javi’s beginning to tremble, the enormity of what’s in the air feeling menacing now, oppressive. He keeps kissing Yuzu’s shoulder, putting his whole self into it, making it last, until Yuzu shifts under him, rolling over and leaning up to find his mouth. 

This is all Javi knows. Soft, hungry kissing, deep and wet, and Yuzu’s murmurs against his lips, hot hand framing his face. It feels like their hearts beat together, joining in shared rhythm. It’s a deafening throb in Javi’s ears, the pulse and shush of his stirred blood, and it holds the impossible thoughts at bay. He keeps his eyes shut, and he kisses Yuzu, and he strains to make this be enough, be forever.

It isn’t. Eventually Yuzu pulls away with a sigh, lying back on the pillow, and Javi can see the corners of his mouth turning up in the dark, a faint smile, as Javi lies besides him. Yuzu’s half-closed eyes shine, and he reaches over to stroke Javi’s cheek with his fingertips. 

“Noisy,” Yuzu says, fondly.

Javi’s throat goes tight, the walls down and the danger threatening to rush in. “Me?”

Yuzu smiles wider. “The bed, on the wall. Everyone hear.”

Now Javi’s throat is so tight he can hardly speak. “You were noisy too. You were noisy _first_.”

There’s a rough, panicky edge to his voice, accusing, and he knows Yuzu hears it. Yuzu raises an eyebrow, and one shoulder. “OK?”

He means it like _so what_ , but Javi answers as if Yuzu’s asking, unsure. “No, it’s not OK. If someone heard us…” Javi trails off, with a tight shake of his head, jaw clenched.

“If someone heard us, what?”

Now the rough edge is in Yuzu’s voice, too. His eyes are narrowed, the sleepy contentment gone, and he draws his hand away. They’re in that backstage hallway in Shizuoka again, Yuzu pushing for something Javi doesn’t understand, challenging Javi because he can. Like he has the right.

In three seasons together, they’ve never had a real fight. Quick disagreements over the small considerations of training together, or curt words when one of them is too tired to keep things easy and kind, but never the wasted effort of being really angry with each other. 

Javi feels the solid foundation of a real fight now. It’s been building for weeks, dry wood stacked amidst this wildfire of this affair, fueled by their different personalities and lives. It won’t take much to start.

He looks at Yuzu, frowning and distant, asking for something Javi isn’t even sure he’s offering himself, and a sudden gust of kindling anger sweeps through him.

“Not everyone is famous like you are,” Javi says, the words something powerful and searing that he pulls out of himself, like they were waiting for this moment. It feels good to say them, too good, and he snaps his teeth shut against more.

But the wind has already changed, sparks of anger catching. “So? Why does famous matter?” Yuzu says immediately.

“You know why,” Javi says, tightly, after a pause. The rest follows, irresistible and irrevocable. “The world wouldn’t care if you — you can do anything that you want, people would still worship you.”

“People saying mean thing about me, all the time,” Yuzu says. In the dark, his face looks furious. “What I’m doing, doesn’t matter. If I’m thinking about it, I go crazy.”

“I’m not talking about — _costumes_ ,” Javi says. “Not about fucking skating.” The power builds in his throat again, like he can’t find the words to bring it out, and his chest is so tight it hurts. Furious tears well up in his eyes, like they always do when he feels trapped and defensive.

“What are you talking about?” Yuzu snaps, like he doesn’t know.

“This,” Javi blurts. “Us.” The tears spill over, hot and shameful, saying it out loud. Yuzu _knows_.

“So, what about us,” Yuzu asks, flat and icy.

“I can’t have everybody thinking — knowing — ” Javi says, and he’s getting up now, because he can’t be here, naked, in the bed where just a minute ago they were so close he thought their beating hearts were yoked together. He remembers Yuzu gasping his name, the way their bodies seemed to flow into each other like the tide, and there’s a sick lurch in his chest as he pulls away, rubbing his knuckles across his eyes.

“It’s too much,” he says, heavily, and he looks up to see Yuzu flinch, eyes wide. That sends another aching stab of guilt through Javi, and he pauses where he is, kneeling up on the bed, dropping his gaze. He crosses his hands below his stomach, one over the other, and squeezes his fingers hard. 

Yuzu doesn't say anything.

“I can’t,” Javi says, so quiet he can hardly hear himself. “Not even with the people that we know. Especially them. I’m not — ” He shakes his head once, swallowing with an effort. “I can’t.”

And he knows that Yuzu knows, and that was never what this was about, but suddenly it is. Everything is on the table, more than a brief affair, the stakes so high it’s dizzying. Javi doesn’t know how they got here, but there’s no turning back. It’s always like this with Yuzu, all or nothing, but before now Javi’s always been enough for him.

Javi still doesn’t look up, but he can tell Yuzu’s watching him, waiting. He doesn’t want to know what Yuzu’s face looks like now, if it’s hurt or angry or worse, that blank expression he gets when something’s not worth his time. He expects so much of people. Javi thought he’d earned Yuzu’s respect, this spring in Shanghai, but he forgot that came with a price.

“OK,” Yuzu says, finally. One short word, his voice empty and blank, and then he gets up from the bed, going into the bathroom.

Javi stays where he is, reeling. Unclothed and undone, breathless with regret but not knowing what else he could have said. After a while, he finds his things and dresses himself, glancing at the bathroom door, the light underneath. It’s quiet inside, and as he leaves he pauses, pressing his hand against the door.

He could take it back, he thinks, but he doesn’t know how. Doesn’t know where the thread was lost, impossibly tangled, because this isn’t what it was at the beginning and he doesn’t know where it ends. It’s impossible to believe it finishes here, in the hallway of a hotel room, Yuzu silent on the other side of the bathroom door, but Javi doesn’t know what else it could be.

“I’m sorry,” he says, finally, because he is and he didn’t say it before. He doesn’t know if Yuzu hears him, but he leans his head against the door for a moment before he goes, imagining Yuzu doing the same thing on the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~See y’all Wednesday ;)~~
> 
>  
> 
> For several reasons, including a cold that’s getting worse instead of better, I’m moving the final chapters to Thursday or Friday. (They’ll be posted together, since 7 is a much shorter epilogue.) Thanks for everyone’s patience!
> 
>  
> 
> Update 9/14: I’m still really sick, so though the chapters have been “finished” all along I can’t get them edited right now, feeling as muzzy-headed as I do. If the antibiotics do their job I plan to post next week.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for your patience with the delay on this chapter, and your well wishes. I’m still getting over this terrible cold, but I was able to edit chapter 6 and the (short) epilogue should follow tomorrow.
> 
> Thanks again to someitems and whishawbendragon for all the encouragement and hand holding through the last week and the whole writing of this story, which I think has caused me more angst and writerly self-doubt than anything I’ve written in a very long time.

The worst of it is remembering, the next morning. Yuzu wakes up slowly, drifting through layers of consciousness, the hotel room still dim. There’s a hollow, caustic feeling in the pit of his stomach and the back of his throat, like something is wrong or out of place, and it isn’t until he wakes up fully that it comes to him.

It’s over.

He draws his shoulders in, instinctively. Tightening his body, narrowing his eyes as he looks up at the ceiling, biting his cheeks between his teeth. Hardening himself, breathing through his nose as he builds it up, the layers of careful thought and protection he’s developed over the years. There’s always something it’s impossible not to think about, a problem or encroaching worry, and Yuzu learned a long time ago how deeply those unpleasant, distracting thoughts can eat away at him. He builds walls instead, keeping the negativity at bay if he can’t eliminate it completely, holding the singular essence of himself solidly together against it.

Yuzu takes a deep breath and exhales. He doesn’t know how it happened, but he pushed last night and Javi pulled back harder, right out of Yuzu’s life. He can remember a few words of their fight but that’s not really what it was about, the breaking of the uneasy tension that’s been building for weeks now. They couldn’t go on like this forever.

He’s learned to build walls, but they aren’t perfect. Last night he watched TV, his mind a dull aching blank, until finally his eyelids were heavy enough that they didn’t open again. He didn’t sleep well, his head filled with murky, angry dreams, and now as carefully and firmly as he’s holding himself, the pain slips through the cracks, a piercing rain instead of a drenching flood. 

His eyes prickle as he remembers the rising, angry inflection in Javi’s voice — _no, it’s not OK_ — and the awful finality of _I can’t_. It hurt the most, though, when Javi looked away and said, quietly, _it’s too much_.

Yuzu’s always been too much, for a lot of people. He’s heard it often, to his face and whispered behind his back. He knows that he and Javi have different temperaments, different goals, different views of life, but they’ve always been kind. Javi’s always been kind. To hear cruelty from him was more than Yuzu could bear.

After Javi left, Yuzu stayed in the bathroom a long while, sitting on the edge of the tub and staring at nothing. The mirror in front of him seemed blurred, showing only the black smudge of his hair, his face paler below. He twisted his hands in his lap, breathing deep, and slowly packed all this up, putting it away. 

The torrent of feelings, discomfiting and wild, that have pulled him in so many directions these last weeks, wasting his energy. The heat of longing, of reciprocated touch. The knowledge of Javi’s breath, close, and the way his body feels. All that’s left is the old tremulous spark, an awareness that there could be more between them, like it’s folded in the pages of a forgotten book.

Yuzu tries to bring himself back to that place now. Calm, oblivious, secure. There are only a few weeks left of summer and he needs to be responsible, thinking of his new program and the challenges ahead. He wants his title back, and his confidence. His health and his strength. 

_We could be so much more_ , he wanted to say, last night. Throw himself against the invisible barricade, make Javi see with the force of his own belief. Make him feel it’s worthwhile, that Yuzu’s worth the struggle. 

But Javi didn’t look at him, eyes averted and his face closed down. Yuzu knew from the start that this was something Javi wouldn’t give, and he never meant to ask for it. He’s never seen Javi with a man, so maybe this is how it always goes, sharing only so much of himself. Maybe Yuzu hasn’t gotten less of Javi than anyone else has. 

Whatever he had, it’s over now, Yuzu thinks, and pulls himself together again.

The room is lighter now. He gets up on one elbow and reaches for his glasses case, sitting on the bedside table, because his eyes are too dry for contacts this morning. He skims through his phone, reading texts and news, until there’s a knock on the door.

It’s breakfast. He knows it’s breakfast. But still, as Yuzu gets up and goes to the door, he can’t help the traitorous lurch his heart takes, betraying what he wishes were true. There’s no way to mend this, a rupture that was always coming, but he can’t help thinking of Javi at his door, _maybe maybe maybe_.

*****

They travel to Kobe, the last stop on the tour. It’s almost a four hour train ride, but it’s easy to be alone, lost in his music and his phone. No one bothers him. Yuzu knows Javi’s a few rows ahead of him, but they didn’t make eye contact at the station and they don’t talk here either.

It’s stunning, how quickly the connection between them can be erased. Those secret hours; the burning hunger; the restless heat they kindled between them. It’s like it happened to someone else, another Yuzu in another life. He thinks maybe it changed him, that he’s different now, having passed through the fire of longing and loss. He’s felt that way before, after disappointments in his skating career, and it seems fitting after Worlds that it’s once again Javi who’s the cause of it. He doesn’t expect Javi to comfort him this time, but it seems right this way. Yuzu wouldn’t want to lose to anybody else.

They see each other at the Kobe station, Yuzu waiting on the train for his security detail as the rest of the skaters exit the car. He glances up at the wrong time, and there's Javi looking down at him as he passes, something strange and unreadable in his expression. For a moment they stare back at each other, and then Javi smiles, a quick flash. And then he’s gone. 

Yuzu breathes again. He didn’t know he’d stopped.

There are crowds at the station, a crowd at the hotel. Yuzu smiles and waves, moving through. The hotel in Kobe is nicer than the ones before; the tour organizers always like to book them somewhere fancy for the final stop. Yuzu orders a late lunch and then takes a long soak in his traditional tub with music on the sound system, relieved to be alone at last. 

It isn’t that he doesn’t like being in public, but it requires something more from him. Awareness of how he’s standing and what his expression is like, that he’s always being watched and judged. It makes him feel different, energized and anxious, like everything is bright and sharp and immediate, and sometimes he looks at footage and remembers how it felt as though it happened to someone else. He’s always performing around other people, even when he’s not skating, and it’s good just to turn all that off for a while.

He never felt that way with Javi, he thinks. Being together has always been natural, comfortable, and that didn’t change when their relationship did. Once the intensity of the moment had cooled, it was the same as before, at practice and competitions and shows, the old easy pleasure in being around each other. Even if they’ve never spent this much time alone together, it felt right.

And it’s over now, Yuzu thinks, harshly, pushing his fingertips against his temples. He lets himself slip down in the tub until his ears are covered by the water and stays there, the world around him a pulsing swish of sound, until he hears the knock at the door.

Yuzu sloshes out of the tub, wrapping himself in a blue and white patterned cotton robe. His hair drips over the collar in back, and he walks barefoot rather than soak his house slippers. He crosses the room, mats rough beneath his feet, and opens the door for room service.

In the morning it wasn’t Javi, but in the afternoon it is.

“Hey,” Javi says softly.

This isn’t like Shizuoka. That night Javi came to his room with an eager apology on his face, his eyes hungry for something more, even as his body seemed torn between staying and going. Yuzu understands it better now, the struggle Javi was going through then, but things have changed.

Javi still looks like a distracted bird who might take flight, curly hair rumpled and his t-shirt bunched over his shoulders, under his warmup jacket. He’s contained and still, though, the way Yuzu held himself together in bed this morning, like he’s sure of himself beneath all that. Javi came here with something to say.

“Hey,” Yuzu says, guarded.

“Can I come in?” Javi asks. “Just for a minute.”

So it’s like that, Yuzu thinks, and feels something leave him, like a long breath of air being pressed out. 

“Just for a minute,” he repeats, reaching up to hold his robe closed across his chest. “I have room service, come soon.”

“That’s fine,” Javi says, following Yuzu across the threshold.

Inside, Yuzu doesn’t sit down. He turns around to face Javi instead, one hand still clutching the top of his robe and the other in his pocket. Javi stops in front of him, too close, and then takes a step back. He smiles, quick and nervous, gone again in a flash like this morning on the train.

“I just want to say,” he starts, and pauses. “We have known each other for a long time. We are teammates, friends. I think.” He glances at Yuzu, questioning. “I hope that’s still true.”

Yuzu frowns, giving his head a slight shake. “Of course.” He’s a little insulted, if this is all Javi came to say. “We still train together.”

Javi’s still looking at him. “That’s good. I just — ” He pauses again, the word lingering in the air. 

The silence stretches, growing tense, expectant. Yuzu doesn’t break it. He doesn’t want to apologize for anything, and he doesn’t think Javi does either. He wants things to be different, but he doesn’t think he can change them with just words.

But Javi’s expression is longing and strained, and that’s what makes Yuzu finally speak. He thinks he understands what’s happening better than Javi, despite his inexperience, and he sees, suddenly, a chance to be kind in return.

“We’re friends,” Yuzu says, brief and low. “Everything the same.”

Everything isn’t the same, because how could it be, but Javi’s face relaxes and he lets out a sigh, looking relieved. “That’s good,” he says, again. 

It’s strange to be so serious with Javi, without smiles. That was the strangest part of all this, how the veil of laughter and teasing that’s always been between them dropped away in their most intimate moments, like something unneeded, extraneous. Yuzu’s never been with another person like that, but he felt most himself then, when they were tender and real.

The tenderness is still there, he thinks. Maybe it all began in Shanghai, Javi’s hands on his face as he cried, when he needed Javi in a different way than ever before.

They’re still looking at each other, and then Yuzu gets the impulse to turn Javi’s generosity back around once again. He reaches out and lays his hand against Javi’s cheek, resting there for just a moment. He’s touched Javi like this so often in the last few weeks, but it feels different now with this tense space between them, Yuzu holding his robe closed and Javi with that ghost of longing in his eyes. Still helpless, agonized, but Yuzu can finally see that he knows what’s between them besides just air.

Yuzu takes his hand away, and the moment passes. He thinks Javi leans in, tilting his head against Yuzu’s palm as he draws it back, but maybe he’s only imagining that because he wants it so much.

He wants to kiss Javi, too, and he doesn’t want to hear Javi say he needs to go. He clears his throat and speaks first, the words a barrier between them and a restraint on himself, a protection against doing something he’ll regret. “Room service come soon, probably.”

“Yeah,” Javi says. He sounds dazed, like something more just happened than he was counting on. He clears his throat too, shaking his head, and then he looks like when he first arrived, rumpled but self-composed. He doesn’t quite look at Yuzu though, as he asks, “I’ll see you at practice tomorrow?”

Yuzu doesn’t really need to practice, after almost two months on tour, and he probably has a lot of media obligations once he looks at his calendar, but he still says, “yes” because it’s easier, and because he always wants to say yes to Javi. “Maybe,” he adds, being truthful, being realistic.

Javi nods. “OK. Tomorrow.” He meets Yuzu’s eyes once more, and smiles that quick, tremulous, heartbreaking smile, as much a lie as anything else he’s said. “I’m glad we are friends.”

“Yeah,” Yuzu says, and if it’s not quite the truth it will be soon, he thinks. “Me too.”

*****

They hardly practice at all the last week, to be honest. Yuzu goes to a couple sessions but they’re half-empty, people out exploring the city or relaxing in their rooms, taking advantage of the hotel’s amenities. He has other, more serious things to do; public appearances, a tour of the area being rebuilt after the Fukushima quake. Sometimes he sees Javi in passing, going out with a group to play golf or have lunch, and they smile and nod, walking on in different directions. 

At the last rehearsal they end up next to each other when everyone’s just being silly, without any cameras or media in the building. They play crack the whip, and Yuzu takes Javi’s hand without looking at him, still talking to Stephane on the other side. There’s no reason for it to be a big deal — he’s held Javi’s hand dozens of times in his life, always on the ice and never in bed — but the warm physical connection is a shock, as if he’s being reminded that Javi is a real person. Yuzu has to make himself pay attention to the game instead, gliding over the ice and trying not to feel Javi’s hand in his. Maybe being friends will be even harder than he thought.

Once the shows begin, all Yuzu can think about is performing, the energy and the nerves and the crowds. It feels good to make it his only priority again — giving his best performance, making the audience feel like it’s worth watching even after his rough season. He feels an endless debt of gratitude to his supporters, something that can never be fully repaid, and he’s happy to have the summer shows to give back what he can. He’s happy, too, to have something else to focus on, and he feels guilty for having let it ever slip at all. He’s still been skating well enough these last few weeks, but this is why he’s never tried to make space for anything else.

He puts his whole heart into the show, Saturday afternoon. “Seimei” has been improving every time he skates it, and he lands a quad loop before the intermission. The cheers and applause shake the arena, loud enough to carry him to the rafters, and he thinks, _see, this is all you need_.

There isn’t enough time to go back to the hotel before the evening show, so the cast stays at the arena, eating catered food and napping on the green room couches. Yuzu warms up, jogging down the halls, and stops to join an impromptu soccer game some of the guys are playing. It gets goofy and wild, and they shout in mingled English and Japanese for Shoma’s benefit, bouncing the ball off the walls and shoving each other in pursuit of it.

Javi’s not there, and Yuzu feels relieved and disappointed at the same time. He never quite realized the depth of what Javi added to his life, a bright sparkle on the edges of everything when they’re together, but it’s exhausting, always trying to get Javi’s attention without being obvious about it, trying to be his best, _better_. In a few weeks their race will begin again and for once Yuzu’s starting behind, hoping to wipe the slate clean on his injuries and the loss in Shanghai. It’ll probably be easier without these complications; wondering what Javi’s feeling, some part of him always waiting for the moment they’re alone again together. No, it’ll definitely be easier this way.

That’s what Yuzu’s thinking when he turns his head and sees Javi standing in a doorway, watching him.

Just then Nobu crashes into Yuzu, kicking at the soccer ball rolling through his legs. Yuzu barely stays upright, staggering backwards with his hands braced against Nobu’s shoulders and shoving him off. The ball keeps skidding down the hall and Javi steps out to intercept it, kicking it lightly and sending it up in the air. He kicks it again, higher, then bounces it once on each knee and against his chest before twisting to send it back down the hall with a neat sideways kick.

“Javi!” Stephane calls out. “Come play on our team, we’re all old and nobody is any good.”

“Hey!” Joubert says, affronted.

“Oh, you’re older than me,” Stephane says. 

“Don’t listen to him, Javi,” Nobu says. He wraps his arms around Yuzu, pulling him close. “Our team needs help. And Yuzu misses you.”

Yuzu sees the color rise in Javi’s face, even from far away. Javi glances down at Nobu’s arms around Yuzu, then meets Yuzu’s eyes with a burning gaze for just a moment before looking beyond him at someone else.

“I’m tired,” Javi says. “I’m gonna go take a nap before the show.”

He flashes a brief, joyless smile before he turns away, and the other guys hoot after him, disgusted and disappointed. Javi lifts his middle finger as he goes down the hall, but he doesn’t look back.

The ball’s still in front of Yuzu. He glances at it, then at Javi’s disappearing figure, before he shoots it back to Shoma. “Sorry, play without me,” he says. 

The guys jeer at him too, groaning. “Of course he leaves us a man short!” Nobu says, in Japanese. “Selfish.”

Yuzu hunches his shoulders, ignoring them, as he hurries faster to catch up. Javi turns, going into one of the dressing rooms, and Yuzu takes a few quick steps and follows him inside, taking a deep breath. 

The room is empty, scattered with skaters’ bags and personal items over the two couches and the vanity counter at the back wall, where Javi’s bent over his backpack looking for something. When Yuzu closes the door Javi lifts his head at the sound, looking up at the long lighted mirror above the counter to meet Yuzu’s eyes.

“Hey,” he says, frowning. “Did you need something?”

Yuzu pauses, leaning against the door, his hand still on the knob. Following Javi was a moment’s impulse, and he doesn’t have anything to say yet, just this conviction that they can’t leave things where they are. The longer he’s silent, watching Javi, the more he’s sure that Javi feels the same.

“We are friends?” Yuzu asks, finally.

He sees Javi swallow, glancing down before beginning to go through his backpack again. “Of course we are.”

“Everything is like before?”

Javi nods, absorbed in what he’s doing. “Yeah.”

“What were we before?”

Javi looks up again, a bottle of eye drops in his hand. “Friends,” he says, looking at Yuzu in the mirror.

“And after friends?”

Javi stares at him. “Why are you asking me this?”

His words are a rebuke, a warning, but there's still that look in his eyes from the day he came to Yuzu’s room — pleading and agonized, like he wants something that scares him to even think about. Yuzu can tell that Javi needs him to be the one to say it. He's not sure he has the words either, just the sense that this matters too much not to fight for it.

“I tell you, I never do this before,” Yuzu says, lifting his chin. “I don't know, how it goes. I don't know how…” He pauses. “You are friends always, other times? After?”

Javi drops his head again, and his fingers close tighter around the bottle in his hand. Yuzu sees his shoulders rise as he takes a deep breath, and then slump with a sigh. “There weren’t other times.”

Yuzu frowns, confused. He opens his mouth, shuts it, then opens it again. “Miki. And Cortney. And I thought — ”

“Girlfriends,” Javi says, quietly. “And girls. No other times like this.”

_I can’t_ , he said, over and over, that last night in Kanazawa. Yuzu’s beginning to see the depth of that _can’t_ , everything Javi meant by it. They were on more even ground than he ever knew.

There’s a thick, solid silence in the air between them. Yuzu’s still leaning against the door, holding the handle, and he’s glad of both. It comes to him then how strange it is to be standing here, looking at Javi’s back, his body, his hands and his mouth. Days ago he could touch Javi if he wanted, kissing the bare brown nape of his neck. Today Yuzu stays where he is, with no right to be so close. He has the sense of swimming through time, always forward, always changing, the future as murky as the past is clear. 

This is the moment he has now, though, and it’s his to make of what he will. 

“I was first for you?” he asks, and his voice is thin and high but it can’t be helped. “Only?”

Javi nods. He’s still looking down, his expression serious and unreadable in the mirror, and he pulls his lower lip between his teeth.

“Before,” Yuzu starts to ask.

Javi lifts his head at last, and he stares straight at Yuzu in the mirror as he speaks. “I never thought about this before. With you, or anybody.”

“But then — you did.”

“Yeah,” Javi says softly. “I did.”

They stare at each other until Yuzu can’t any longer, his chest so tight it’s hard to breathe. Now he’s the one with the dropped gaze, his face growing hot as he speaks. The hard English words come out slowly, like he’s finding his way through, trying to speak truth when it matters most.

“I think about this,” Yuzu says, halting. “Before, and now.” He presses his lips together, gathering his breath, and then lifts his head. “I do. Think about you.” He swallows. “You not knowing, I think.”

Javi shakes his head. “No,” he says, strained. “You play and joke around with everyone, when you’re in the mood. Out there, with Nobu.” He nods his head to the hall, frowning. 

Something flares through Yuzu at the way Javi’s brown eyes snap — did Javi mind that, was he jealous — but he pushes it down again, knowing he has to go lightly. Gently, because it feels like they’re so close to something it aches, with that fire back in Javi’s eyes. It might burn them both, but it’s not that distant, weak withdrawal on their last night together. Yuzu can work with fire.

“It’s different, with you,” Yuzu says, carefully. “I try, not to let show. I think, you not want. Until — ”

He lets the silence hang, after his words. He sees Javi’s jaw tense in the mirror, his throat working. “Until I wanted it.”

Yuzu has a sudden sense of the singularity of this moment; this place; the two of them alone. This summer was a retreat, both from their shared training and their separate, complicated lives, but he can’t just leave it behind, a memory tucked away. It happened, it _mattered_ , and it changed both of them. They’ll never be here again, staring at each other through a mirror, with the possibility of closeness and so much more so thick in the air it feels like sparks against his skin.

His career is the most important thing in his life, but so is love, and this.

“My feelings are not change,” Yuzu says, low but clear. He looks at Javi, steady. “I want — not this. Not thing to feel shame for. I want, for real, for us. I want you.”

Javi doesn’t look away as Yuzu speaks, but his eyes are so wide and dark. His brows are raised, lips parted, and it looks like every word hurts but Javi doesn’t stop him, just waits for him to finish.

There's another silence, as tense as before. Javi licks his lips.

“And you want — everyone to know?”

Yuzu shakes his head, impatient. “No. Only the important people. Because — it’s important, to me. You are important.”

Javi’s silent and still, looking at him. Yuzu doesn’t want to hear _I can’t_ again.

“We are friends,” he says, softly. “Always friends. But I want more.”

He turns away, but not before he sees how Javi’s eyes are shining, as if they’re full of unshed tears. There’s something in Yuzu’s chest, tight and full, pressing into his throat, and when he shuts the door and leans back in the hall, a hand pressed over his heart, it takes several gasping breaths for him to realize it’s _hope_.

*****

He doesn’t think about anything but the show once it starts, because that’s how it’s always been; when he’s on the ice he’s alive in a way that’s unlike anywhere else. The power of the audience radiates through him, different every time, lifting him up. He skates “Requiem” thinking of his visit to Fukushima this week, the strength of the community and the rebirth they’re building together. It’s good to know he can be even a small part of that, reminding him that he’s connected to a vast something outside of himself. A country, a culture, a people.

He keeps falling on his quad loops, though, and maybe he’s more distracted than he thought, coming down to earth at the end of the show. They gather for a group photo in the middle of it, but Yuzu lingers, trying one more jump. He lands it this time, and turns to see Javi watching him. 

It’s not like in the hallway this afternoon. Javi doesn’t have that air of distant regret; there’s something bright and immediate on his face instead, like he’s just woken up. The way he’s staring makes Yuzu feel warm all over, _seen_. There’s a rink full of people looking at him, but it’s as though only Javi has ever seen Yuzu for himself.

It just lasts a few moments, until Yuzu skates by and joins the group photo, taking the space left in the middle for him. He can feel Javi’s presence at his back, though, and that same tight fluttering in his chest, like something he’s tried not to want is desperately beating its wings to get free.

At the end, he thanks the audience as always, and then something comes over him, swept up in this strange air of possibility. He keeps talking, first about the earthquake relief work, but he’s thinking of this afternoon and his perception of time as an endlessly shifting tide, always changing. He tries to put it into words, how they have just this brief moment tonight, creating something new with their energy and emotions, but it’s Javi he wishes could hear and understand him. 

When Yuzu steps off the ice he’s just himself again, not the inspiring spirit of a nation, which is why he finds Javi backstage and almost kisses him.

If he hadn’t encountered Javi alone again, if he hadn’t still been stirred by what happened at the end of the show, the connection and the power, Yuzu might have waited. It seems like he’s been chasing Javi since this started, catching up only to lose him again. That’s not Yuzu’s way. But he’s walking behind Javi in an empty hall, like something out of his dreams, and then, like he made it happen by wishing, Javi looks back. 

He stops and smiles when he sees Yuzu, eyelashes fluttering and surprised. “Hey,” he says. “Uh, you were great, tonight. Requiem is so good, but the new program — already it's really special.”

His voice isn’t tight and guarded, the way it was this afternoon. He sounds like Yuzu remembers from before; happy, kind, sweet. Javi keeps smiling, standing still, and then there’s an instant of sublimation, the solid ice between them turned to hot vanishing steam, nothing keeping them apart. Yuzu reaches out and grasps Javi’s shoulders, turning him back against the wall, and leans in.

He means to press their mouths together, to take what he wants, but he pulls up short. If Javi doesn’t push him away, even if he kisses back, it won't mean anything. Yuzu’s seen how that goes, when they let the heat of the moment take over. They’ve never communicated well with words, but now Yuzu needs _something_ more than silence.

Neither of them speaks; eyes wide, breathing hard. Yuzu’s hands are still on Javi’s shoulders, holding him in place against the wall, and Javi moves his own hand up, cupping the back of Yuzu’s head. There’s so much in his face — stricken, wanting — and Yuzu doesn’t know what might have happened if a door hadn’t banged behind them, opening for people walking down the hall.

He steps back, blade covers clumsy on the linoleum floor, not looking away. Javi does, though, turning his head quickly to see who’s coming. It’s the musicians, talking loudly, then nodding politely as they come closer. They pass, and Yuzu’s about to step forward again when the Stephane darts out of the men’s changing room with wet hair and a towel around his waist, chased by Johnny in a loosely-tied robe. Johnny’s shouting and Stephane’s laughing, and they both skid to a stop.

“Hey guys,” Johnny says, looking between them, and Yuzu can hear how he stretches it out, a smirk in his voice.

With a sick flash he remembers their last, passionate night in Kanazawa, the bed slamming into the wall and Javi’s panicked accusations after. He can’t remember who had the room next to him, but if somebody in the tour knows then everybody knows. Yuzu’s hardly seen anyone all week, busy with his other obligations, so no one’s had the opportunity for this, the kind of teasing he’s seen often enough but always avoided drawing to himself. 

He feels the heat flare in his face, thinking of how Javi will react, pulling away again. There’s a crashing disappointment that this ends here, and he feels angry too, at Johnny for breaking the delicate moment and Javi for caring about it. Angry at the world for being this way, and that however Javi feels about him, it isn’t strong enough to overcome it.

But Stephane glances between them too, smiling more kindly, and Yuzu remembers it was his room on the other side of the wall. “If you boys want to play football again,” he says, gently. “There are better places than out in the hall.”

He smiles a moment more, then makes a grab for the bundle of clothes under Johnny’s arm, chasing him back into the changing room. The hall door opens again, letting in arena staff this time, and Yuzu looks over to see Javi straightening up, moving away. 

But he doesn’t look the way Yuzu feared, embarrassed or withdrawn; his eyes are downcast but there’s a soft smile about his lips, that old fondness on his face. “I’ll see you inside,” Javi murmurs.

It comes to Yuzu that maybe Javi lingered, that Javi _waited_ for him, but it’s too late to say anything more, with the hallway filling with people again. Javi finally glances up, hesitant longing in his eyes, nearly a promise, and then he turns and goes into the changing room.

_That’s the best I can do_ , Yuzu thinks, and takes a deep breath before he follows.

They don’t look at each other, showering and changing with the rest of the rambunctious, noisy cast. It doesn’t feel like anything’s ended, though; just paused, the way it was before the show tonight. Yuzu has the sense that they’re moving forward in increments, first the words and now the near-kiss, telling Javi how he feels and what he wants in every way he can. They’re close, so close, and they’ve pushed each other too often over the years for him to let Javi retreat now.

“Room party tonight!” someone says, and then there’s a rising clamor as people argue over where to go. 

“Yuzu has the biggest suite,” Nobu says, with a sly look. Yuzu’s never hosted a room party in his life — this is his first tour without his mother — and he’s about to protest when Javi speaks up.

“You guys can come to my room,” Javi says. “But nobody touches the minibar.”

“Drinks on Javi!” Stephane shouts out, as the crowd begins to empty out of the room. 

Yuzu lingers for a moment, one of the last to finish dressing. He rubs moisturizer over his forehead and cheeks, tossing his hair back out of his eyes, and looks over to see Javi leaning against the door, holding it open for Jeff and Tomas. Their eyes meet, Yuzu feeling like his gaze is dragged up by magnetic force.

“Coming?” Javi asks. He’s looking at Yuzu so carefully, like he doesn’t want anything to show, but his voice is strained and his eyes are bright.

Lightly. Gently. “In a minute,” Yuzu says, fiddling with the zipper on his bag.

Javi nods, and goes out into the hall. 

The bus waits for Yuzu, as he slowly makes his way through the crowds with the phalanx of bodyguards he needs at an event like this. They push through the autograph seekers and the journalists, camera flashes popping in his face, and Yuzu smiles and waves, as graciously as he can given the tension in his body. He wills himself to be grounded here, in this part of his life, giving back to the fans and not wondering what happens when he gets back to the hotel.

On the bus, Nobu is hyper and loud, sitting next to him up front. It's even worse behind them, with someone playing music on a phone speaker and everyone laughing and talking over each other. The hotel is just a short drive through downtown Kobe, and then everyone piles out, headed for the elevator. Nobu smiles back over his shoulder at Yuzu.

“You’re really coming to the party?” he asks. “You never come out.”

“I do sometimes,” Yuzu says, squeezing into the elevator behind him.

Nobu snorts. They shuffle back, more people coming in front of them. Javi’s somewhere behind them, Yuzu thinks, but he doesn’t turn to look.

“How’s your love life?” Nobu asks, quieter. They’re speaking Japanese, so some people in here can understand them.

Yuzu doesn’t answer at first, because he isn’t sure how. He can’t tell the truth, because he doesn’t even know what the truth is yet, but Nobu is studying him, his usual comical expression serious and intent for once. Yuzu wonders what Nobu knows, if he’s guessed the depth of this, what the other skaters have said. Nobu knows him better than anyone here. 

Finally Yuzu smiles. “Well,” he says. “It’s certainly better than yours will be tonight. Are you coming to the party just so you don’t order another one of those dirty movies?”

Nobu rolls his eyes, because this is an even older joke, the time he accidentally ordered porn at a hotel during a competition when he was a teenager, and he had to explain it to the federation official in charge of the bill. “You wish.”

It’s easy to lose himself in the crowd, streaming down the hall to Javi’s room. It’s easy to keep joking with Nobu, to let Akiko tease him, to tease Shoma in return. It’s easy to be here, where he’s never been before, with no memories of touch and taste and words almost said in the dark. Hotel rooms are good for forgetting. 

He has a few sips of beer, when room service brings up the drinks and food they ordered. He’s still high on the show, and what happened after, and on Javi’s presence, just across the room from him and always on the edge of his awareness.

They get closer, as the evening goes on. First standing in the same group, watching the acrobat guys try something absurd, everyone laughing, and then he finds himself on the couch next to Javi, with the people in front of them sitting in chairs or on the floor. The conversation is quieter now, more personal, and Yuzu’s beer is at his elbow, almost empty. He doesn’t feel drunk, but the world is softer and easier, a pleasant camaraderie enveloping everyone. A few people are lying on the bed, giggling as they watch television, and other people are playing a game in a circle on the floor, cards and drinks and laughter.

There’s laughter around him, too, a loud burst of it, and Yuzu comes back from where he was to find Javi sitting close, warm against his arm and thigh but not quite touching. 

Javi’s laughing harder than anyone. “Oh, Brian is so picky when he chooses airplane seats,” he says. “It cannot be an odd number row, or behind the wing. Do you remember, when we went to Saitama last year?” 

He turns to Yuzu as he speaks, and his hand falls on Yuzu’s leg. It’s almost just a friendly pat, but Javi squeezes, and lingers, and doesn’t let go.

Yuzu turns back, looking at him. Javi is flushed and high spirited, but it’s not like that first night in his hotel room, weeks ago, with the scent of alcohol on his breath and his long-lashed eyes sleepy and heavy. Now he looks tense and daring, eyebrows raised, his bright smile a little unsure. _Please_ , Javi’s asking, but it’s a different question than ever before. 

After everything, it still takes an effort of will for Yuzu to smile back, making the last leap. “That time I think, we miss our flight!” he says, and laughs, a little louder than necessary. “Brian argue with the ticket lady so long.”

“Hiroshi-sensei only sits on left side of the plane,” Akiko offers, and the conversation goes on, familiar stories and loving complaints.

Yuzu’s hardly listening, though, because Javi lifts his hand again. A sick clench of disappointment goes through Yuzu, but then Javi slides his hand behind Yuzu’s neck, arm coming to rest over his shoulders, and hot starbursts of elation blaze through his body instead. He can hardly hear what Akiko is saying over the blood pounding in his ears, as Javi pulls him closer until they’re pressed together on the couch. 

After a while Yuzu remembers himself and takes a deep breath, lifting his own hand to rest on Javi’s thigh. He feels Javi react to that, moving into it, settling more against him. Yuzu does the same, relaxing into Javi’s arms, and Javi’s hand goes tighter on his shoulder, squeezing. 

He can hardly look anyone in the eye, as the evening goes on. He’s too caught up; too aware of the heat of Javi’s body, the comfort of being together like this and the knowledge that everyone can see. Maybe they think it’s friendly, just something they do. Maybe _Javi_ thinks it’s friendly.

Yuzu makes some small contribution to the conversation, complaining about a hotel in Finland, and everyone laughs. Javi turns again and presses his lips against Yuzu’s temple, a fond and lingering kiss. Yuzu’s throat goes so tight, a dizzying surge of blood rushing to his head, because the impossible is happening now.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Javi says, near his ear, rubbing his shoulder, and maybe only Yuzu knows him well enough to hear the difference in his voice, low and full of emotion.

Yuzu turns to him. Their faces are close. “No,” he says, softly. “It wasn’t really bad.”

Javi just smiles at him, his eyes rueful and shining. He shrugs, smiling more.

They relax more, into each other. Yuzu can feel how Javi sighs, shifting, holding him tighter. He finds himself getting warm and sleepy, starting to drift off into this unaccustomed comfort. He slides down until he can rest his head against Javi’s shoulder, and catches Nobu looking up at him from the floor. Nobu’s smiling faintly, harder when he catches Yuzu watching him, throwing in a sly wink. Yuzu makes a face back, pursing his lips, but he doesn’t move. He closes his eyes instead, letting the conversation and the humming contentment wash over him. 

It’s like winning a competition, he thinks, except it’s nothing like that. He can feel the approbation of the room, the pleased way people are watching them like he’s scaled some unimpeachable height, but the work to get here wasn’t the same as training on the ice. Yuzu’s never done anything in his life that he couldn’t get better at by just working harder, beating his body and mind into perfect obedience. He’s never put himself out there with no expectation of the result, just the bare and open revelation of what he wanted.

Javi wanted it too, he thinks, and maybe that’s the truth of it. No matter how hard he worked for this, there was always another side to it, his happiness relying on another person. It’s terrifying to embark on this, for the very first time, but tucked close and happy with Javi, his head buzzing and his pulse joyful, Yuzu thinks maybe it’s worth the risk.

Slowly, eventually, people leave. No one says anything to Yuzu, half-dozing on the couch, except murmured goodbyes. His head is still on Javi’s shoulder, face tucked into the curve of Javi’s neck, with Javi’s arm around him and his senses full of Javi’s warm familiar smell. He hears the door close, and then silence. 

Javi’s breathing faster, chest rising and falling beneath Yuzu’s cheek. After a while he brings up his other hand, fingers slipping beneath Yuzu’s chin, lifting it up. Yuzu has to take a last moment, deciding, but this is a choice he made a long time ago.

He opens his eyes to see Javi gazing down at him. Javi doesn’t look laidback and easy anymore, but he doesn’t have that agonized look either, longing and torn. His face is serious, and soft, and sure.

“Hey,” Javi says, low. Yuzu can feel it in his chest, rumbling and deep, breath warm against his lips. Their faces are so close together that they’re sharing the same air.

Words aren’t right for this moment, or maybe there aren’t words for it. Javi leans down, or Yuzu leans in, and their lips touch, delicate and light. Yuzu shuts his eyes again. They kiss gently, but before it turns deeper Javi leans back a little, fingers stroking over Yuzu’s jaw. He turns his hand, bringing his thumb up to brush Yuzu’s lower lip, deliberately, like it’s something he’s been wanting to do.

Yuzu holds his breath. He knows Javi is looking at him, watching, and his pulse throbs, tingles sweeping through his whole body. It’s so hard to stay here, drowning in the moment, and not take what he wants.

But then Javi pulls Yuzu’s lip down with his thumb and lets go, leaning in to kiss him fully. Yuzu makes a noise against Javi’s mouth, the heat of it pressed against him, and reaches up to hold the back of Javi’s neck, pulling him in tight. He feels the scrape of Javi’s teeth over his lip, briefly, before Javi’s murmuring back, a seashore torrent of emotion crashing down as they kiss.

It stays gentle, somehow. It’s late, and they’re tired from the show and the terrible week apart, everything they’ve been struggling through and against. Yuzu strokes Javi’s neck and shoulder, up and down his arm, feeling the hard muscle there and remembering how this began. A daring touch in a darkened hotel room in Shizuoka, Javi giddy and laughing beneath him. The room is softly lit now, lamps on either end of the couch, and when Yuzu pulls back for a moment he can see Javi so well, his sweet happy face and his big eyes, full of fondness and relief. 

Javi kisses him again. “I’m sorry,” he breathes, and Yuzu shakes his head. He doesn’t want to do this now, words and apologies, _talk_. He just wants to feel it all, Javi’s warm presence against him and the memory of what just happened ringing in his head, the way Javi pulled him close in front of everyone.

“Just kiss me,” Yuzu says, tilting his head to bare his neck. Javi moans, burying his face against it. He kisses beneath Yuzu’s ear, wet and hot, and further down, nipping as he goes. They both like this so much, and Yuzu curls his hand in the back of Javi’s t-shirt, pulling himself closer as Javi kisses his neck. Javi bites him, right over the thick muscle above his shoulder, and Yuzu gasps, clawing at Javi’s back, as a shock of want goes through him.

Fuck, Javi’s _mouth_. It hasn’t even been a week but he’d forgotten how good this is. Javi kisses him softer now, tongue moving over the bite, before lifting up to kiss Yuzu’s lips again. It’s slick and plush and perfect, and Yuzu loses track of everything but this, having Javi.

They surface again, foreheads pressed together, eyes shut and breathing hard. Javi strokes the back of Yuzu’s head, fingers tangled in his hair. Yuzu squeezes Javi’s shoulders, palms flat again them. 

“The couch is small,” he murmurs. 

Javi swallows and nods, and then he gets up and lets Yuzu take him to bed.

They kiss again, for more time than Yuzu knows. He feels desire turning to need, the heat pulsing through his body, but he keeps it slow, kissing and touching, learning again. Javi’s below him, both of them shirtless, and the feeling of Javi’s bare chest against him and strong arms around him is so much sensation, after days apart. Yuzu rocks his hips, and Javi’s hand slips down to spread against the small of his back, spanning his waist and pulling him close. 

Then Yuzu’s on his back, not sure if he moved or if Javi moved him, gasping up as Javi leans over him again.

Javi kisses his throat. The hollow of it, tongue dipping in, and then lower. He rubs circles over Yuzu’s belly as he kisses over his heart, lower, lower. Yuzu forgets to breathe, following the warm path of Javi’s kisses, hope and hard aching want making his body into a tense arc, rising up.

_Please, please_.

Javi slips his fingers into Yuzu’s waistband. Yuzu exhales, loudly, shaky. He holds Javi’s shoulders, stroking with his palms, and Javi tugs his clothes down, bending in. He can feel Javi’s breath against him, so light and intimate, as Javi brushes his nose over Yuzu’s bare hip. 

Then he trails his lips up Yuzu’s length and Yuzu can’t hold back a groan, watching him. Javi’s eyes are shut tight and his fingers are curled around Yuzu’s hips, thumbs pressing in, and Yuzu can feel the fierce tension in his body. He wants to cradle Javi’s head, guiding his movements, but he keeps his hands where they are, running over Javi’s shoulders and back, reassuring and soothing and urging all at once. 

Javi tips his head up and presses a kiss to the tip of Yuzu’s cock, warm and lingering. Yuzu groans again, sharper, his breath hitching as he watches Javi move. Up and over and around, kissing soft and wet, the very tip of his tongue flicking out. Yuzu knows Javi’s just easing himself in, but this is so _good_ , the way Javi lavishes these sweet touches on him. Javi looks so caught up in it, long lowered lashes and his cheeks flushed, and it’s so much more than Yuzu ever even imagined. 

It’s like something from his filthy, furtive dreams when Javi finally opens his mouth, taking him in. Yuzu slides his hands up to frame Javi’s face, because if he doesn’t have something to hold onto he’s going to fall apart. He bites his lip, moaning hard, as Javi moves slowly down, and he can’t stop looking at the stretched circle of Javi’s lips, his broad bare shoulders, the impossible reality of it. 

“Javi,” he breathes. Low, like if he speaks too loud it’ll break this delicate thing. Javi’s eyelids flutter, and he pulls back to press another soft kiss at the tip, and then another. He slips his hands into Yuzu’s briefs, working under the tight elastic, and cradles his scrotum, wide palm and thick fingers tucked close around him. Yuzu moans, lifting his hips reflexively, and digs his fingers into Javi’s hair as Javi grasps his cock with his other hand and bends down again.

He has to think about something other than the way he feels, because it’s all too much. The heat of Javi’s mouth around him, and both of Javi’s hands holding him like this, intimate and certain. Javi keeps pulling off to press kisses all over, and the light touch of his lips makes Yuzu hitch his hips every time, a contrast to the way Javi sucks him, wet and loud and intense.

Yuzu reaches for another part of himself, the one that watches and considers, detached. He thinks about how Javi’s feeling, and the way he felt himself, doing this to Javi for the first time. The startling physicality of it, so many sensations at once, and the overarching knowledge that it was really happening, that he was doing what he wanted at last.

“That’s good,” Yuzu murmurs, his throat tight, and strokes Javi’s hair. “I like that. You’re so good.” 

Javi’s shoulders hitch under Yuzu’s other hand. He needs praise, Yuzu knows, in a way that Yuzu never really has. It matters to Javi, what people think of him, and he always has to begin from a place of love.

Yuzu keeps talking as it builds, distracting himself as much as he’s encouraging Javi. He moans when Javi lets him push in deeper, clutching at Javi’s shoulders when he feels that tight wet heat around him, and brushes Javi’s hair back from his forehead, whispering fond nonsense when Javi pulls off and kisses him, lips a soft caress. It feels like they’ve always been heading here, to this warm and gentle place, taking such joy in each other's bodies, and when the pleasure turns sharp and demanding Yuzu tries to hold out, making it last. 

“Oh, wait,” he groans, twisting his hips away, his hand pushing at Javi’s head. “I get — so close.”

Javi misunderstands, though, shaking his head. “I want to,” he says, his voice low and husky.

His fingers press in, down where Yuzu’s tender and sensitive, bringing the pleasure with them. Yuzu can’t bear to push him away again, and he watches Javi move steadily, the sight of it as good as it feels. Javi pulls back and licks with the tip of his tongue, setting off sparks of ecstasy that make Yuzu gasp, before he takes him in again. The world goes hazy, then blurred, and then Yuzu cries out, coming in hot gentle waves under Javi’s hands and mouth. He watches as long as he can, the way Javi’s shoulders go up, lips tight around him as Javi swallows, and then he lets his eyes fall shut as he finishes. 

He pants hard, exhausted, tears sliding beneath his eyelids. Javi flicks his tongue once more and then finally moves back, laying his head on Yuzu’s chest. He says something soft, Spanish, kissing over Yuzu’s ribs, resting his hand on his heart. Yuzu reaches up to stroke Javi’s hair, over and over, tender and yearning. He opens his eyes and it’s almost too much, the way Javi is looking at him with so much meaning, so much emotion. He tightens his hand in Javi’s hair and just looks back, breathing in the way this feels.

Yuzu puts one hand over Javi’s on his chest, reaching down with his other hand to cradle Javi’s face. He runs his thumb over Javi’s lips, mirroring what Javi did to him earlier, catching the wetness still there. Javi smiles, and presses a kiss to the pad of his thumb.

“I’m too noisy?” Yuzu asks, finally.

Javi smiles again, like he knows what Yuzu means. “No. I like it.”

“Good,” Yuzu says. He smiles too, feeling like after everything, this is just the beginning. There’s a bright heat blossoming inside him as he rolls over on one elbow, pushing Javi onto his back. Yuzu moves down too, coming closer, his hand on Javi’s face again.

Javi’s still looking at him with that fond, dreamy warmth. “Good?” he murmurs.

“Yeah,” Yuzu says, and tips his head in, bumping their noses together as he slides his hand down to the waistband of Javi’s jeans. “I want to be very noisy tonight. You too.”

Javi flashes a wide, startled grin at him, and Yuzu thinks _oh, we are going to be so much trouble_. He kisses Javi at last, and it's familiar and new, open and honest, easy and real.


	7. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue at last! Thank you so much to everyone who’s been reading along.

_Here we are again_ , Javi thinks, every year when the tour comes to Shizuoka. 

They don't really have an anniversary. It's hard to say when this began, exactly, because it's always gone in fits and starts. A few weeks together, a month or two apart, just when they were finding their way to being something more. More than friends, or teammates, or even whatever they'd been doing with their eyes half-shut, all that first summer together. Javi doesn't think Yuzu’s the anniversary type, though he remembers everything. To mark a beginning is to imply an ending, and neither of them thinks like that about their lives.

Still, whenever they come to Shizuoka Javi remembers the tour three years ago, and he's sure Yuzu does too. Last night after the show, Yuzu followed Javi into his room in without being asked, just smiling in that way he has. There’s another show later today, the end of the weekend, but for now they can lie in bed, bodies still bare and faces close, enjoying the luxury of a little time alone together.

“What are you thinking?” Yuzu asks, the tips of his fingers sliding through Javi’s hair.

Javi smiles, without opening his eyes. “Nothing.”

“Good nothing, or bad nothing,” Yuzu says.

“Good,” Javi says.

They’re always thinking, both of them, sometimes thoughts they can’t share. Yuzu speaks better English than he did three years ago, but their lives have only grown more complex since then, all the more for how closely they're entwined. They can turn it off, here like this, but they're still separate people with their own concerns, their own goals. Sometimes that drives them on, and sometimes it drives them apart, but this, between them, has always been the hardest work and always felt worthwhile.

They might never compete against each other again. Probably not. That’s good, Javi thinks, but they’re still figuring out exactly what it means. 

Summer is easy, though. He leans in and kisses Yuzu, eyes still shut, and he feels Yuzu smile before he kisses back. They move closer, under the covers. Javi loves to be naked together like this, kissing and touching, Yuzu’s knee pushing between his and Javi’s hand stroking up and down Yuzu’s back. They shift together, and this is the easiest of all, has been from the start; the heat, the sheer physical magnetism of their bodies when they’re with each other, drawn in a way that transcends everything. It’s what made them friends and partners, and what made them more, because Javi couldn’t stay away once he knew what he wanted, or that Yuzu wanted it too.

They don’t have to talk to know how to move together. Javi rolls onto his back and Yuzu stays curled on his side, pulling Javi’s legs up to hook over his hip. They fell asleep afterwards last night, and Javi feels Yuzu’s hand gliding down, the tip of Yuzu’s finger pushing against him, testing the slickness from a few hours ago. Javi puts his feet flat on the bed to drag his hips closer, as Yuzu reaches down to hold himself steady. They meet, seeking the connection, and then with a tight pressing pop they’re joined again, Yuzu sliding deep with a sigh.

Javi opens his eyes. Yuzu is farther away than before, his body angled across the bed. They bring their hands up between them on the pillows, clasping tight. Yuzu’s body is flush against him now, hot and solid inside him, and Javi wants to just stay here, being what they are, in this brief moment in time. 

They’ve changed before. They’ll change again. But Javi made a choice to be here, followed by so many choices along the way, little and big. It started on impulse but it’s grown through work, through struggle and through love.

Yuzu bites his lip, eyes dark and serious, and pulses his hips once, impatient. Javi makes a small sound, still adjusting, and Yuzu squeezes his hand. 

“Sorry,” Yuzu says. He smiles, small and soft, a little sly. 

“Don’t be,” Javi says, and brings up Yuzu’s hand, pressing his lips against it. “I want it too.”

*****

Yuzu remembers the first times, all of them. Those summer nights in Japan, holding his breath each time they moved a little further, becoming more real. The first time he took Javi in his mouth, the first time Javi did the same to him. The first time in Toronto, the first time at a competition, the first time after Yuzu won the world championship back. 

And there are so many little moments in between, even more important in their way. The first time Javi called him from Spain in the summer, the first time Yuzu leaned over and kissed Javi in the changing room at the rink, the first time he fell asleep in Javi’s bed and stayed all night. The first time they walked into the club together and Yuzu caught Brian’s eye and knew that he knew. 

The first time they did this is shrouded somewhere in the last years, the memory vivid even as the circumstances around it have faded. It just happened, Javi letting him in, the way everything else has, like it couldn’t be anything else right then. Natural as a double becoming a triple, their bodies sure together as they took this new step. Javi’s changed so much since that first summer, more serious and mature in his career but easier with Yuzu, the old frantic intensity turning warmer, sweeter. Private, not secret. Cautious, but loving and unafraid. 

Javi doesn’t hold back now, as Yuzu rocks gently into him. He caresses Yuzu’s hair with one hand, pushing it back from his forehead, and reaches down with the other to stroke himself, groaning and arching his back up into it. Yuzu runs his hand over Javi’s muscled chest and the taut lines of his belly before taking hold of his hip, holding him steady. 

“Too fast?” Yuzu asks, and Javi shakes his head, eyes shut. He tightens his fingers in Yuzu’s hair, stroking himself faster, and lets out a soft moan. 

Yuzu pauses to fling the sheet back, baring their bodies. “You look so good,” he murmurs, and he sees the flush rise in Javi’s cheeks. Javi’s always shy of compliments, and that’s why Yuzu loves to give them, trying to reflect some part of the deep, intense affection he feels when he thinks of Javi. They can’t be like this all the time — there are competitions and training session and long stretches of time away — but he always wants to give himself to Javi with his whole heart.

“Oh,” Javi sighs, and it goes on, the slick drag and tight heat, the sharp growing pleasure and the deeper joy beneath that, curled up in bed together on a summer morning. 

Yuzu moves slow, watching Javi. He stops to touch him again, fingertips circling his navel and tugging at the soft curly hairs on his chest, scratching lightly over his nipples, all the things he loves to do. Javi catches his breath, leaning into Yuzu’s touch, and then he turns his head and stretches across the bed as Yuzu cranes forward to meet him. They kiss twice, brief and sloppy, and Javi drags his teeth over Yuzu’s lower lip as he pulls away.

“Mm,” Javi says, low, and settles back, stroking himself again. 

He doesn’t like too much distraction when he finishes this way, and Yuzu hitches his hips slow and shallow, palm resting on Javi’s chest as he watches Javi get close. Javi always purses his lips first, frowning fiercely, and then his nipples peak into hard points under Yuzu’s hand as he begins to gasp, a quick desperate cascade, jerking himself hard.

Yuzu means to just watch, but it’s like the pleasure Javi is feeling comes through, urgent and sudden. He slides his hand up to clutch at Javi’s shoulder, anchoring himself, and begins to move again, squeezing his eyes shut. He hears Javi groan, sharp, and then he’s clenching all around Yuzu, so tight Yuzu can’t help pushing through it, sharing the deep rhythmic ecstasy. Yuzu groans too, fingers digging into Javi’s shoulder and thumb on his collarbone, and comes inside him, a sweet slick shuddering relief. 

He likes the after, when they’re both breathing hard and floating, blood hot and limbs loose and sprawling together. He can feel the sweat against his palm, still resting on Javi’s bare shoulder, and the leaking wetness between them, down where they’re sensitive and satisfied.

Javi grunts softly and shifts, drawing apart. It makes a mess, but neither of them cares now. Yuzu comes closer again, resting his head on the pillow beside Javi’s, fitting his body alongside with his arm resting over Javi’s chest. 

“I should take a shower and get ready to go,” Javi says, after a while, yawning, but Yuzu knows he won’t. Not yet, not until the last minute, and then it will be reluctant; lingering sleepy kisses, easily swayed. 

Nothing is really easy in their lives, but like this, it feels like everything is.

“You want to have dinner with me tonight?” Yuzu says, into Javi’s neck, and Javi nods. Then he groans, shoulders tensing, and shakes his head.

“I promised — ” Javi starts to say, but Yuzu lifts his head, looking in Javi’s eyes. He puts his hand on Javi’s face, cupping his jaw. 

“Say you promise me first,” Yuzu says. “Stay with me tonight.”

Javi just looks up at him, his eyes gentle and loving. He smiles, rueful. “OK,” he says, softly. “I promised you first.”

**Author's Note:**

> http://sophia-helix.tumblr.com


End file.
